WASHINGTON (AP) — The Department of Homeland Security unveiled a new border security program yesterday to prevent President George W. Bush from entering the country. Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff predicted that the program “will have a transformative effect on a problem that has plagued this country for over 5 years.”
The new plan calls for an additional 6,000 permanent agents to patrol U.S. borders, a 50 percent increase from the current level of 12,000. Fences will be built along heavily populated corridors, and high-tech tracking devices such as infrared motion sensors and unmanned aerial vehicles will be deployed along the vast stretches of desert that separate the U.S. from Mexico.
“We’re confident that these measures will enable us to detect any attempts by President Bush to enter the country,” Chertoff said in a press conference.
Chertoff emphasized that the new plan does not amount to “militarizing the border.” Although the border agents will be armed, every attempt will be made to detain Mr. Bush peacefully if he is found trying to enter the country. “Our goal is to handle this problem in a safe, humane manner,” Chertoff said.
Critics of the plan say it will do little to reverse the damage already done by Bush’s presence within the U.S. “We should have thrown the son of a bitch out 5 years ago,” said a Democratic Senate aide who asked not to be named.
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News on May 17, 2006, 12:20 am EST
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ROME (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI humbly washed the feet of 12 men in a Holy Thursday ceremony, re-enacting Jesus’s washing of his apostles’ feet during the last supper.
Dressed in hand-embroidered white silk vestments, Benedict poured water from a solid gold vase over each of the men’s feet in what he explained was an act of humility and service.
The ritual marked the start of a series of traditional papal reenactments of Jesus’s suffering, death, and resurrection.
Friday morning Benedict will be scourged by members of the Curia, then briefly crucified before a throng in St. Peter’s Square. He will be taken down alive from the cross and then buried in a tiny, sealed tomb underneath the basilica. At that point a vigil will begin as the faithful around the world wait to see how long it will take the 78-year-old pontiff to escape from his underground prison.
London bookmakers are offering 8-11 odds that Benedict will manage to free himself sometime before 6:00 am on Easter Sunday, when a delegation of cardinals will formally open the tomb. Odds of escaping by noon on Holy Saturday are currently at 3-1, with odds of a break sometime on Friday at 5-1.
Most popes find it extremely difficult to extricate themselves from the sealed vault, and popes over the age of 75 rarely manage the feat at all. But bookmakers are unsure what to expect from Benedict, who is celebrating his first Easter as pope. “He’s an unknown quantity,” said a spokesperson for William Hill, the London betting agency. “There is just no way to know what tricks he may have up his sleeve.”
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News, Recommended on April 14, 2006, 5:15 am EST
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“Culture of life” extended to protect yeast fungi
PIERRE, S.D. (BP) – In a stunning victory for pro-life activists, the South Dakota legislature has passed a bill to protect the lives of Candida fungi by banning the treatment of yeast infections.
The bill makes it a felony for anyone to treat yeast infections, with doctors facing up to 5 years in prison if convicted. The language of the bill – named the Women’s Health and Fungal Life Protection Act — says that “yeast fungi are unquestionably alive” and “biologically unique from the host woman.”
In debate on the bill, sponsors noted that scientific findings have expanded understanding of the fungi that cause yeast infections.
“We now know that the yeast is alive from the moment it infects the woman,” said Senate sponsor Julie Bartling. “It used to be we weren’t sure, but countless fourth-grade science experiments since 1973 have proven that those little yeast thingies really are alive. You just have to drop them in some water and add a little sugar, and they start giving off gas bubbles like you would not believe.”
House sponsor Roger W. Hunt emphasized that the yeast fungi have different DNA from the host woman. “It’s not just some icky mucus in there that’s part of the woman’s hoo hah,” he said. “We now have the science to know that the yeast has its own DNA.”
Republican Governor Mike Rounds, who is pro-life, is expected to sign the bill into law.
“I’ve indicated I’m pro-life, and I do believe that we should do everything we can to save lives,” Rounds was quoted as saying in the Associated Press. “South Dakota is ready to stand up for the lives of those who can’t speak for themselves, like those little yeast guys. If this bill accomplishes that, then I am inclined to sign the bill into law.”
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News, Recommended on February 26, 2006, 2:11 pm EST
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WASHINGTON — The United States is engaged in what could be a generational conflict akin to the Cold War, the kind of struggle that might last decades as the U.S. works to root out the Brotherhood extremists across the globe who want to rule the world, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Thursday.
Rumsfeld, who laid out broad strategies for what the military and the Bush administration are now calling the “long war,” likened Brotherhood leader Emmanuel Goldstein to Adolf Hitler and Vladimir Lenin, while urging Americans not to give in on the battle of wills that could stretch for years. He said there is a tendency to underestimate the threats that the Brotherhood poses to global security and said liberty is at stake.
“Compelled by a militant ideology that celebrates murder and suicide with no territory to defend, with little to lose, they will either succeed in changing our way of life or we will succeed in changing theirs,” Rumsfeld said in a speech at the National Press Club.
In the speech, which aides said was titled “The Long War,” Rumsfeld said the nation must focus on three strategies in the war: preventing Goldstein and his foreign paymasters from obtaining weapons of mass destruction, rooting out Brotherhood extremists around the globe, and defending the U.S. homeland from Eurasia, with whom we have always been at war. He emphasized that these goals could take a long time to achieve.
Rumsfeld urged Americans to remain determined in the face of a long war. “Remember our boys on the Malabar front,” he said. “And the sailors in the Floating Fortresses! Just think what they have to put up with.”
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News on February 3, 2006, 5:01 pm EST
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JERUSALEM (The Age) — When Palestinians go to the polls tomorrow, it’s no surprise that many will be voting for the fundamentalist Hamas party. But what may be a surprise is that not all of the Hamas candidates are men. In a sign of growing liberalism in the Arab world, masked shapes are also on the party ticket.
The masked shape shown here is one of three such entities, and the most prominent of the three. At campaign appearances, the thing communicates with reporters through a party spokesman.
“This is a natural development,” said Palestinian election official Fatwa al-Jazeera. “Masked shapes in Hamas already play many roles, particularly in the municipal councils, so why not in the parliament?”
The masked shape has insisted through its spokesman that it has no interest in pursuing masked-shape rights or special issues involving masks, shapes, or combinations thereof. Its stated goal is to represent all Palestinians — “men and masked shapes” — and to faithfully serve the Palestinian cause.
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News on January 24, 2006, 4:02 am EST
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WASHINGTON (AP) — Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito has caused a rift among Senate Democrats, with some planning to vote for the conservative judge while others remain undecided.
Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska announced Tuesday he will support Alito, the second Democrat to do so. Nelson said he will support Alito “because of his impeccable judicial credentials, the American Bar Association’s strong recommendation, and the fact that I’m running for re-election in, like, the most Republican state in the union.”
Nelson’s statement was issued from a highway rest stop near Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, where he was assisting Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist in an emergency heart transplant. The two men were on the way to a housewarming party at Sen. Trent Lott’s temporary vacation home on the Florida coast.
Sen. Joe Lieberman of Connecticut was the first Democrat to announce his support for Alito. “I have just returned from my fourth trip to the Senate in the past 17 months and can report real progress there,” he wrote in an Op-Ed piece in the Wall Street Journal entitled, “Alito Must Be Confirmed.” He argued that “it’s time for Democrats who distrust President Bush to acknowledge that he will be the commander in chief for three more critical years, and that we undermine presidential credibility at our nation’s peril.”
Alito met Wednesday with several undecided Democratic senators, including Bill Nelson of Florida and Ron Wyden of Oregon, at which time the senators received GOP ballcaps and refrigerator magnets. Alito planned to meet Thursday with Sen. Tom Carper of Delaware and Sen. Bob Menendez of New Jersey.
“I’m not a fan of Alito,” said Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid of Nevada. “I wish more Democrats would line up to oppose him. Unfortunately, it’s just very difficult to compete with the Republicans when it comes to the swag and the house parties. They’ve really got that stuff down.”
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News, Recommended on January 19, 2006, 1:47 am EST
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LOUISVILLE, KY (AP) – President Bush said Wednesday that Senate hearings to confirm Supreme Court appointee Samuel Alito will be good for democracy as long as they don’t interfere with Alito’s elevation to the highest court.
Bush was initially opposed to having Alito undergo the traditional confirmation process, but made it clear that he is resigned to the open hearings that began this week.
Bush defended Alito during a campaign-style town hall meeting, explaining that the appointment was necessary to protect the United States from al Qaeda. He said he had made sure he had the legal authority to make the appointment before he did so.
“There will be a lot of hearings to talk about that, but that’s good for democracy,” he said. “Just so long as the hearings don’t get in the way of Judge Alito getting on the Supreme Court. See, that’s the danger.”
In the days after the Alito appointment was revealed, Bush cautioned against hearings, arguing that the appropriate members of Congress were being consulted privately and offering assurances that he was working within the law.
For the second time in a month, Bush took questions from audience members during an appearance to win support for his war on terror.
In his opening remarks, he defended his judicial appointments as part of the global war on terrorism and the U.S. effort in Iraq. He acknowledged that political opponents were questioning his strategy, but declared, “They’re not going to shake my will.”
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News on January 11, 2006, 6:58 pm EST
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WASHINGTON (Wall Street Journal) — Insisting that God “certainly needs to be involved” in the Supreme Court confirmation process, three Christian ministers took steps yesterday to ensure that the upcoming confirmation hearings for Judge Samuel Alito would proceed according to God’s plan.
Avoiding Capitol Hill police to gain unauthorized admittance to the hearing room, the ministers successfully applied holy oil to the seats where Judge Alito, the senators, witnesses, Senate staffers, and press will sit.
“We did adequately apply oil to all the seats,” said the Rev. Rob Schenck, who identified himself as an evangelical Christian and as president of the National Clergy Council in Washington.
Rev. Schenck explained that the holy oil works by capillary action, seeping into the skin of those who occupy the anointed chairs. The holy oil eventually enters the bloodstream, where it is carried to the brain. At that point the tiny oil bubbles rupture, releasing God’s word into the cerebral cortex.
Rev. Schenck said he had anointed the chairs in the same room before hearings for Chief Justice John Roberts last year. That hearing “went very well,” Rev. Schenck said.
In related news, the National Clergy Council has advised Christians to sprinkle fresh goat’s blood on their fields to ensure a good crop in the coming year.
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News on January 7, 2006, 5:29 am EST
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NEW YORK (Reuters) – The War on Christmas finally ended yesterday when the embattled holiday surrendered unconditionally to secular forces. The instrument of surrender was signed at the perfume counter of Bergdorf-Goodman’s at 3pm, with Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore co-representing the victorious Secular Allied Command.
The surrender came after a week of sporadic fighting following December 25, with Christmas staging a surprisingly tenacious rearguard action in the sale bins and clearance racks of local department stores. By late on December 31 skirmishing had been confined to the basement of Macy’s, where Christmas dug in for a final stand. Armed only with an overstock supply of brass clip-on candleholders and several half-price ornaments, the battle-weary holiday was overwhelmed by Feminazi shock troops under the command of Gen. J. Butler.
Grand Ayatollah Mary Daly, who issued the original fatwa on Christmas, has declared today VC Day. “Our long national nightmare is over,” she announced.
Posted by Violet under Genuine Fake News on January 2, 2006, 11:03 am EST
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