Genuine Fake News
New border plan to prevent President Bush from entering country
WASHINGTON (AP) — The Department of Homeland Security unveiled a new border security program yesterday to prevent President George W. Bush from entering the country. Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff predicted that the program “will have a transformative effect on a problem that has plagued this country for over 5 years.”
The new plan [...]
Pope washes feet on Holy Thursday, will be crucified on Friday
ROME (AP) — Pope Benedict XVI humbly washed the feet of 12 men in a Holy Thursday ceremony, re-enacting Jesus’s washing of his apostles’ feet during the last supper.
Dressed in hand-embroidered white silk vestments, Benedict poured water from a solid gold vase over each of the men’s feet in what he explained [...]
South Dakota Bill Outlaws Treatment of Yeast Infections
“Culture of life” extended to protect yeast fungi
PIERRE, S.D. (BP) – In a stunning victory for pro-life activists, the South Dakota legislature has passed a bill to protect the lives of Candida fungi by banning the treatment of yeast infections.
The bill makes it a felony for anyone to treat yeast infections, with doctors [...]
Rumsfeld says battle against Brotherhood could last decades, notes that we have always been at war with Eurasia
WASHINGTON — The United States is engaged in what could be a generational conflict akin to the Cold War, the kind of struggle that might last decades as the U.S. works to root out the Brotherhood extremists across the globe who want to rule the world, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Thursday.
Rumsfeld, who laid [...]
Mysterious Masked Shape Runs for Seat in Palestinian Parliament
JERUSALEM (The Age) — When Palestinians go to the polls tomorrow, it’s no surprise that many will be voting for the fundamentalist Hamas party. But what may be a surprise is that not all of the Hamas candidates are men. In a sign of growing liberalism in the Arab world, masked [...]
Democrats Divided on Alito
WASHINGTON (AP) — Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito has caused a rift among Senate Democrats, with some planning to vote for the conservative judge while others remain undecided.
Sen. Ben Nelson of Nebraska announced Tuesday he will support Alito, the second Democrat to do so. Nelson said he will support Alito “because of [...]
Bush Open to Hearings on Alito
LOUISVILLE, KY (AP) – President Bush said Wednesday that Senate hearings to confirm Supreme Court appointee Samuel Alito will be good for democracy as long as they don’t interfere with Alito’s elevation to the highest court.
Bush was initially opposed to having Alito undergo the traditional confirmation process, but made it clear that he [...]
Holy Oil on Chairs Will Ensure Alito Confirmation, Say Ministers
WASHINGTON (Wall Street Journal) — Insisting that God “certainly needs to be involved” in the Supreme Court confirmation process, three Christian ministers took steps yesterday to ensure that the upcoming confirmation hearings for Judge Samuel Alito would proceed according to God’s plan.
Avoiding Capitol Hill police to gain unauthorized admittance to the hearing [...]
Christmas Surrenders! Exhausted Holiday Admits Defeat
NEW YORK (Reuters) – The War on Christmas finally ended yesterday when the embattled holiday surrendered unconditionally to secular forces. The instrument of surrender was signed at the perfume counter of Bergdorf-Goodman’s at 3pm, with Noam Chomsky and Michael Moore co-representing the victorious Secular Allied Command.
The surrender came after a week [...]
