Froot Loops, the breakfast of champions
Some of the items labeled as 'Smart Choices.'
This is so deliciously loaded with chutzpah and partially hydrogenated malarkey, I positively squealed with joy. A bunch of food manufacturers have gotten together to fund a new advertising scheme disguised as a nutrition advisory service. 
It’s called “Smart Choices,” and basically it allows manufacturers to slap a cheerful green checkmark label on any food product that meets the guidelines they themselves have established. Obviously the guidelines are not exactly rigorous, since Froot Loops and fudge pops made the cut. The heuristic seems to be something along the lines of, “Is this food better for you than mainlining melted Crisco?” If yes, then pop a checkmark on that fucker and party on!
It reminds me of a short story I read way back in Philosophy 101 about a land where people rely on magical green lights to determine whether an action is good or bad. A guy might be strangling a kitten, but if the light floating over his head is green, bystanders conclude that somehow what he’s doing is morally okay. I imagine somebody standing in the aisle at the grocery store, contemplating a box of Froot Loops with a shiny green checkmark on it. Hmm…according to the ingredients, this is basically a box of sugar and artificial food coloring…but according to the Smart Choices label, it’s healthy! The green checkmark says so!
The craven sell-out nutritionist who heads up the Smart Choices program insists that it will provide a real service:
“You’re rushing around, you’re trying to think about healthy eating for your kids and you have a choice between a doughnut and a cereal,” Dr. Kennedy said, evoking a hypothetical parent in the supermarket. “So Froot Loops is a better choice.”
Oh, fuck that sister. I want my Little Chocolate Donuts.
I know, I know: where is the FDA in all this? If they’re not gonna do their job, goddamnit, then call the whole thing off and give us the goodies back. To hell with corn syrup and polyunsaturated fats; I want cocaine in my Coke, smack in my cough drops, and laudanum in everything. I also want some absinthe. Put a green checkmark on that, Bob.
12 Responses to “Froot Loops, the breakfast of champions”
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Dan Wallace says:
“It reminds me of a short story I read way back in Philosophy 101 about a land where people rely on magical green lights to determine whether an action is good or bad.”
I read that story in Philosophy 101 too! It was in a textbook that included short Twilight Zone-ish stories to illustrate philosophical concepts, then discussed the concepts, correct? That was an amazing textbook.
September 6th, 2009 at 9:55 am EST -
myiq2xu says:
Eat healthy, die anyway.
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sister of ye says:
I’ve always suspected that the processed foods developed during the 1950s-1970s were designed with the express intent of killing the baby boomers off early. It’s not that our parents didn’t enjoy the fucking that created us, but I think they then turned around and had a “WTF have we done moment?”
We and those following us have tried to do better, which is why food companies have to resort to face-saving marketing gimmicks such as this. It will probably work, too, because we really just want our consciences salved and we want to continue to eat the crap because A) it tastes good, or B) it tastes like crap but we’re used to it.
I still find inexplicable the mainstays of my nephews’ and nieces’ diets: mac and cheese, hot dogs and chicken nuggets. Refusing to eat anything but junk is one thing. But at least pick something with flavor.
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Joan says:
Hilarious, Violet. I did notice that logo on a box of cereal at the store recently and wondered in what universe would it be considered a “smart choice”? “Guiding food choices” is truthful, though.Bastids.
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LabRat says:
Government guidelines on nutrition have been the sock puppet of agribusiness basically since anyone got it into their heads that there should be any, sadly.
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Violet says:
I read that story in Philosophy 101 too! It was in a textbook that included short Twilight Zone-ish stories to illustrate philosophical concepts, then discussed the concepts, correct?
Yep. Matter of fact, I just now dug it out. I still have it! Thomas D. Davis was the author.
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yttik says:
We have a local character here who always gives me a laugh. He stopped to tell me how healthy he was getting after quitting smoking. I looked over at his cart and he was buying a frozen party pizza, some tylenol PM, a six pack of bud, and a case of Red Bull.
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Simon Kenton says:
I remember getting lectured by a vegan couple fetching in His ‘n’ Hers buckskin outfits. They were eating donuts cooked in oil which certainly smelled animal. They were also piss-drinkers for homeopathic reasons. They told me they didn’t feel all that well, and took this for evidence they needed to drink more.
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K.A. says:
The heuristic seems to be something along the lines of, “Is this food better for you than mainlining melted Crisco?”
Lol. Horrifying because it’s true!
I also hate how everyone thinks they have to have at least a little bit of some sort of processed, prepackaged junk food in their diet even if they are trying to be healthy. Like, the concept of not having any processed foods or desserts is not even a humanly possible option. Hello! That’s how we evolved for the vast majority of human history until a quadrillionth of a nanosecond ago, and so many traditional societies still eat that way.
This green check stupidity is like that mentality to the 100th power.
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Monchichipox says:
Growing up on a farm and with relatives still doing it I’ve been spoiled. All there crops/life stock are as organic/free range as a family farm could realistically be. I find it so hard to eat so much stuff sold in grocery stores. I cannot eat any meat product sold in a grocery store. The taste, texture, and everything is just so much worse than fresh. I pity anyone who has never had the experience of walking into a smokehouse and just ripping off a hunk of ham from a hanging carcass.
The produce is the funniest thing. I’m constantly telling friends a peach isn’t supposed to be as big as a softball. A little bigger than a golf ball with lots of spots. And the flavorless tomatoes. All perfectly round and red. Did you know the state of Florida has regulations about how a tomato is supposed to look? For a while a couple of farms were selling “tomato uglies” real tomatoes that looked like crap but tasted great. The state put them out of business.
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K.A. says:
Monchichipox, I hate how big fruit is! It’s all the insulin-resistance-inducing fructose and a smaller percentage of skin phytonutrients per calorie! And they breed for sweetness, too. Not good.
That’s really messed up about FL. I guess they figured too many people would avoid the vegetables entirely? Oh noez public health crisis!
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Grainger says:
sister: Ha. I was at a wedding reception once which laid on a surprisingly good table; three kinds of olive spreads, all sorts of baguette slices, cheese I’d never heard of, garlic this, musrhoom those. A distant family member and her son were surveying the repast with a look of disapproval. “Sorry Jimmy,” said she, “looks like they haven’t got any.” She turned to me and said “he only eats white cheese and plain crackers, you know.”
I later learned that they carry a bagel and a squeeze-packet of cream cheese everywhere they go, in case they wind up somewhere that “doesn’t have anything he likes”.
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I stopped paying attention to health-quality advertising when I saw that bottles of “chocolate” syrup were being tagged with “NO TRANS FATS!!” Give me a DAMN break. You know what kind of food is healthy? Any kind of food that you eat after a three-mile run.
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Aw, man, looks like this one stopped. I was looking forward to watching a foodier-than-thou contest.
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