The Story of Violet and the Satellite
With apologies to Edward Albee. No, actually I’m not going to do that today, but someday — yes, someday I’ll write a post based on The Zoo Story — have you ever seen The Zoo Story? Wonderful play — and the monologue in the middle is like 20 pages long and it’s called “The Story of Jerry and the Dog.”
But never mind, I’m not doing that today.
Okay, so! You know my satellite? The one I hate? The one I lie awake at night plotting to destroy with a 400-gauge shotgun? I think it’s dead. Or the modem is dead. Or the cable between the satellite and the modem is dead. Whatever it is, it’s dead.
According to the Technical Support Specialist in India who helped me this morning (and I swear to God, one of these days I’m going to say to one of those people, “you know, the retroflex thing that you do there with the consonants, are you aware that you’re doing that?”), anyway, according to her, the Evil Satellite Empire no longer services my modem. My modem, it seems, is ancient history. It’s Sumerian. It’s a Baghdad Battery. Maybe if I filled it with lemon juice I could get enough voltage to electroplate a teaspoon; other than that, the thing’s useless.
No, I haven’t started drinking yet today. Why do you ask? I’m sitting in my father’s study using his computer. So of course I’m not drinking. How could I be drinking?
Long story short, I’m getting a new modem! Shipped to me from Maryland by Federal Express, and at no cost to me! Because I’m such a wonderful customer! And when it arrives — then, then we shall see. Whether the problem was with the Sumerian modem or the cable or — be still my beating heart — the satellite dish itself. Because if it’s the latter — you know what I’m thinking. Me, a shotgun, and that goddamn dish fragmenting into a thousand sparkly white pieces as I blow it to kingdom come.
4 Responses to “The Story of Violet and the Satellite”
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B. Dagger Lee says:
Guns are for cowards. Real women use axes.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:06 pm EST -
Val says:
I feel your pain… Computers are *SUPPOSED* to be Hub’s bidness, so we have what should be the latest/greatest in wireless broadband, satellite-based connection.
Ever so rarely does it work correctly - all I want to do is log on & check my email quickly; when it percolates more slowly than when we had dial-up I truly want to pitch it ALL out the window!
An axe sounds good too! -
Sis says:
And for this privilege I pay nearly $40 a month. It’s taken me about 12 minutes to boot up again, fighting some g-d update all the way. For what I ask? What the hell are they always updating?
You know that thing that comes on and says, Windows has detected a problem and is shutting down?
You’ve *DETECTED* a problem??? What do you mean you’ve detected a problem….
YOU’RE THE PROBLEM. !!!!
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Shane says:
Lousy technology. And hey, see this?
Hillary Interview: Her Views on Sexism
Its pretty interesting, and a good reminder that she knows what’s at stake.
