It’s time for our new religion!
I know, I know. I can hear you out there. “Violet, you lazy freak, it was time for our new religion three months ago.” And you’re right. But things happened, and then more things happened, and then, incredibly, even more things happened!
So I’m late.
But better late than never! It’s looking to be a tough spring and summer, and I think we’ll all be needing an imaginary emotional crutch to prop up our tired souls as we make frantic plans to leave the country. Rest assured: our new religion can fill that gaping hole.
I poured everyone’s suggestions into my personal Metaphysical Particle Accelerator, added a dash of Montebello Long Island Iced Tea Cocktail™, and voilà:
What better way to introduce our new religion than with some nice garish iconography? Follow along with me now as we unpack the many meanings in this lovely image:
The Mope: A cross between a guru and an avatar, the Mope embodies the central elements of the religion. She has eight arms (see below), wears fuzzy purple socks (symbolizing both the Divine Female Intellect and the importance of comfortable footwear), and is carried by her friend Tigger. A Cone of Silence hovers above her head, ready to descend if any unpleasant rap or hip-hop music cranks up.* Each Mope is appointed at God’s discretion, with the only requirements being a) deadness, b) residence in the Smoking Lounge, and c) a fondness for Nerf ball and tequila shots. The current Mope is me, the Ghost of Violet Socks. (*Future Mopes may or may not require the Cone of Silence.)
Tigger: The Mope is carried by her friend Tigger, with whom she has a relationship of mutual respect. In no way whatsoever does the Mope hold dominion over Tigger; indeed, Tigger is totally happy about carrying the Mope on his back and insists that it was his idea. The partnership of the two represents the unity of life on Earth, in which all creatures have a right to live naturally and fulfill their destiny. God has no truck with animal cruelty or none of that crap, and to any humans who think they’re all that and a bag of chips God says, “pipe down you silly apes or I’ll turn this whole thing right over to the dolphins.”
The Pope: See the tiny figure on the rock-cut steps in the background on the right? That’s the Pope (possibly an acronym for Prophet Of Planet Earth, but that could just be a folk etymology). The Pope’s job is to strip naked, coat herself with honey, wait for a bunch of locusts to descend on her nude honey-drenched figure, and then begin prophesying about Many Important Things. The current occupant of this august office is the Rev. B. Dagger Lee.
God: Not pictured.
The Eight Arms of the Mope
The Mope’s arms hold the eight sacred symbols of the religion (going counterclockwise from her first left hand):
1. The Sacramental Cinnamon Roll. The symbol par excellence of the faith. It’s a communion wafer! It’s a metaphysical statement! It’s a breakfast food! As the Eternal Bun in the World Oven, the cinnamon roll symbolizes the regenerative power of life itself, with the optional sugar glaze hinting at the tangential male role in reproduction. The spiral shape reminds us of DNA, while the bread itself represents the fruitfulness of the earth and our duty to share that bounty with everyone. Indeed, it is believed that God Herself becomes manifest in the pastry during the act of communion.
2. The Sacred Snowshoe. God don’t like no combustion engines and She’s down on the whole pollution scene. The sacred snowshoe reminds us to slide, walk, run, cycle, paddle, or employ any other environmentally-friendly mode of transport to get wherever the hell we’re going. Snowshoes are also the badge of office for priestesses, and are worn by the celebrant during communion.
3. The Stratocaster of Righteousness. The Strat reminds us of God’s injunction to kiss the sky, shake our groove thangs, and otherwise create and celebrate the arts. It also commemorates the brief period in 1966 when Eric Clapton subbed for God while She was having some dental work done.
4. The Holy Rose and Honeysuckle Bouquet, symbolizing the yummiliciousness (to use a formal theological term) of sexual fulfillment. ‘Cause God in Her wisdom wants everybody to have a good time.
5. The Globe of Knowledge, symbolizing science and the duty of all believers to engage in science, read about science, or at least have good feelings about science (a tri-level array of choices also known as the Trinity of Endeavor). The globe also represents the Earth as a living planet, reminding us of our commitment to protect the environment and all its life forms (with the possible exception of The Snake that lives in Dr. Socks’s yard).
6. The Heavenly Chocolate Bar. Another communion food and multivalent symbol of the faith. The sweetness symbolizes all things happy and joyful, while on another level the darkness of the chocolate calls us to contemplate the void of space and the mysterious depths of the universe.
7. The Sacrificial Cigarettes. The open pack of cigarettes represents the Smoking Lounge, where souls go after death to relax, play Nerf ball, and do tequila shots with God until they are ready to take on their next reincarnation. The cigs also come in handy after a session of Rose and Honeysuckle Bouquet (see #4 above), though God doesn’t recommend inhaling unless you’re already a hopeless nicotine addict. During certain ceremonies the cigarettes are lit one by one, placed on the altar to form a hot hot blaze, and then allowed to burn down to smoke and ash. An alternative meditation practice is to blow smoke rings in the shape of the Mope.
8. The Burning Laurel Twigs, also known as the international symbol for human rights. The BLT, which appears on the upraised palm of one of the Mope’s right hands, represents the commitment to global peace and human rights, defined as “the inalienable right of all human beings to equality and freedom from discrimination, regardless of sex, race, class, nationality, ethnicity, color, religion, language, body shape, sexual orientation, gender identification, or any other fricking thing people have used to oppress the crap out of each other.” (Table Talk No. 5468, 2007-10-16, “Commentaries from the Smoking Lounge,” Vol. 847, page 922.)
Pictured below the Mope and Tigger are the approved Communion Comestibles (in addition to the Sacramental Cinnamon Roll). They may be combined in any fashion, but the following are recommended:
High Communion: Grilled Stilton on baguettes, a nice wine, and some dark chocolate.
Low Communion: Chocolate milk and cinnamon buns.
All-Chocolate Communion: The Trinity of Chocolate (dark, milk, and white even though that last one isn’t really a chocolate but some people like it for some reason), with chocolate milk to wash it all down. Not recommended for hyperactive children or persons with blood sugar conditions.
The Dog of Goodness. The Dog of Goodness (pictured upper left) is an avatar of God Herself, representing everything good and wonderful and loving in the world. When we look at the Dog of Goodness we should remember the Seven Positive Commandments to be loving, kind, peaceful, generous, honest, just, and tolerant.
The Magical Evil Eye Gaybot Lolkitteh Avatar. The MEEGLA (pictured upper right) was originally conceived by the Rev. (now Pope) B. Dagger Lee, and has since taken on a life of its own with vast and terrifying universal powers. This avatar represents God in Her aspect as Avenging Angel, and reminds us of the Seven Negative Commandments not to kill, rape, harm, steal, cheat, oppress, or pollute.
Floating Lamps. The seven floating lamps (pictured at bottom) remind us of the Seven Positive Commandments (see Dog of Goodness above), the Seven Negative Commandments (see Magical Evil Eye above), the Seven Festivals (to be determined), the seven days of the week, and various other things that come in sevens. Like if you bought seven new pairs of socks at the store, that would totally be symbolized by these lamps. The fact that the lamps are floating on sea waves next to a rock in the Himalayas reminds us that, like all religions, this one basically makes no sense.
To Be Determined
Since this is a user-friendly religion, God has decided to leave various details up to you. For example, we still don’t have a name for this thing. Suggestions?
Also, we need to hammer out the details of the Seven Festivals. What about four festivals to celebrate the solstices and equinoxes, plus a Festival of Beasts for animals, a Festival of Chocolate, and a Festival of Sex?
24 Responses to “Just in time for Easter: our new religion is here!”
I am in awe. Where will the first temple be built? And is the Cone of Silence available to non-Mopes?
First Commandment: Thou shall not rise before noon on Sundays.
Kristi, we’re trying to get Frank Gehry to do us a temple in the shape of a cinnamon roll.
I don’t think you have to be a Mope to get the Cone of Silence, but you probably do have to be a spirit. It’s an ectoplasm thing.
Bruce: but what if people want to?
I’m so down with this religion and am prepared to invoke The Mope with vigor such as will put spaghetti-monster acolytes to shame.
Another item we yet lack is a symbol simple enough yet also speakingly elegant enough to be rendered in chrome and affixed to the back of one’s car.
…a cinnamon roll spiral would be appropriate maybe?
I like that! A lovely chrome cinnamon roll for the back of one’s car. Or even as a hood ornament.
Perhaps it could be called The Trope, or Tropism, representing as it does a turning away from dogmatic, literalist religion and toward enlightenment. Also, this would allow the faith’s leading figures to be referred to as the Mope of Trope and the Pope of Trope. Easy to pronounce and easy to remember, which may be an advantage to a new religion.
I think the festivals should celebrate just what you’ve suggested. That covers all the important stuff.
And please don’t be dissing white chocolate, Your Mopishness, or Your Holy Mopery (how ought you to be addressed?) Dark chocolate and white chocolate are the yin and yang that together embody the mystery that is chocolate. Milk chocolate is for the kids.
Like if you bought seven new pairs of socks at the store, that would totally be symbolized by these lamps.
I found seven toast crumbs on my plate this morning – is it a miracle ?
B. Dagger Lee says:
For Mopacolytes who tend towards the literal (and don’t we all at times?) a pretty serviceable Cone of Silence, the Panasonic RP-HC500 headphones, are under $100 (I think), and perfect for listening to the voice of God (Dr. Nina Simone) The best cinnamon rolls in NYC are made at the Little Pie Company on 43rd St between 8th and 9th, or 9th and 10th Avenue. I suppose it’s possible it’s between 10th and 11th. Anyway, south side of the street, gotta get there before noon.
Of course, every act of consumption has to be balanced by at least one counter-act of–and here I grope for the correct theological term–makeshiftery.
The Pope speaks!
atheist woman says:
I am awfully glad that the Pope forgave me. Much as I love smiling/thinking about The Magical Evil Eye Gaybot Lolkitteh Avatar whenever I am in contact with males (it really helps me make it through the day) I would not want it turned against me!
I am wondering if seven cats could also have a place in this religion. Cat ladies could then have a special title. Winks.
atheist woman says:
Also, I wish to raise people in this religion.
B. Dagger Lee says:
atheist woman, as a matter of dogma, this Pope decrees a persnickitty outside and an infinite marshmallow of forgiveness inside.
Also, the MEEGLA never turns the wrath of its full gaze on women, merely a heavy-lidded, sleepy look. It tends to twitch its tail a little agitatedly when women misstep.
Also, I heartily approve all of Maud’s points, especially the one about good white chocolate, which is kind of like a unicorn. You’ve heard about it, you’ve had the stupid little imitations, but when you have the real white chocolate unicorn, then you know.
atheist woman says:
I believe that my veganism is being oppressed by your religion. Let the blog warz begin! Snerk
Dogs and chocolate? Add a little wine, coffee, books, jazz, and mixed nuts, and I’ll hand out tracts at airports for this religion.
simply wondered says:
you missed cricket – your empty ‘religion’ is therefore a sham.
and that’s schismwang!
Seven cats and a cinnamon roll. Mmmmm…. I’m off to look for another few black cats and get baking.
Simply wondered: any reference to male dominated sport isn’t a necessity in the new religion (I hope) it would be too much like the rest of life in cock culture Australia.
Now for the camembert and cab sav. Happy Equinox, all.
I really like Trope or Tropism as a name. I’ve mentioned it to God and She thinks it’s brilliant. The precise formulation is up to us.
simply wondered says:
hey crowlie – the england women as well as being world champions have just turned professional. both are huge achievements in a sport that is not merely male dominated as you correctly say, but constitutionally predisposed to exclude women. (‘well what isn’t?’, you may ask…)
but i was merely joshing about cricket because i love it so.
and because vs doesn’t.
i think it’s cos the socks have to be white. though david gower used to play in red socks so the eminent doctor might (if she weren’t a) dead and b) fictitious) be able to play in her violet ones.
We await the wiki entry for Tropism :-))
Holy Mopee Maa:
I surrender forthwith, sinner, scholar, soothsayer, starbucks drinker and all. Does Mopee Maa accept sacrificial heifer Males, I offer myself. For I was the worst of my ilk. Shakti de, Mopee Maa.
I bow to thee!!
Until I read this I had followed Claire the Clairvoyant Cyclist of 10,000 revolutions. Claire had been my spirit guide for so long. I still hear those little baseball cards clicking away in in her flappymantra spokes– her dark green complexion radiant in the sunlight, racing ahead of her swarm of golden bees, known as her bodhibuzzerswarmonrandombumperstickers.
Ah, Claire was a freewheeler…on a path of dedicated mileage…her attainment would lead her to the Swiss Alps where she now sits with the Trek Ascended Masters, as the Hydrating Mistress of Low Resistance Cyclewear–bequeathing to me her swarm of golden bees–which has reduced my invitation to parties from “many to None”.
I play the guitar and love spaghetti…may I buzz you later?
Much too sensible to be a religion. But the terms are obtuse which is par for godliness. Can we get a glossary of the terms for the generational challenged?
laura tattoo says:
this is so brilliant and representative of my true beliefs! where do i sign up? i’m so tired of directing my own life, i’m so bad at it.