Our group project for the week: let’s decide what features we want in our new religion

Monday, December 17th, 2007 · 29 Comments »

Inspirational image: World’s First Festivus Pole Lot — Milwaukee, Dec. 7, 2007

Foilwoman kicked us off a few days ago:

Oh, I think we need a new religion, where those of us who are worthy get to spend the afterlife (and if we’re really good, the next year or so) drinking wine of our choice in the Spirit Lounge with Dr. Violet either in Holy Ghostly of Fleshly Incarnate form. I’d follow most commandments (except any requiring me to give up chocolate or most pleasurable things for that matter) to have that opportunity.

Okay, we got wine, we got chocolate, we got the Smoking Lounge. What else do we need? What should be forbidden? What should be commanded? Do we need priests and/or priestesses? Do we need churches, temples, votive candles, golden idols, 3D bobble heads to hang from the rearview window? Do we need Sai Baba? What about rituals and holidays? Oh, and beliefs — should we have some beliefs?

Add your suggestions in the comments and we’ll see what we come up with. Don’t be shy — put in anything you like. I’ll wrap it all up, sprinkle in a little Dr. Socks bullshit magic, and have our new religion all ready in time for a Christmas unveiling.


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29 Responses to “Our group project for the week: let’s decide what features we want in our new religion”

  1. Infidel says:

    It should have atoms and molecules but mostly space.

  2. The Ghost of Violet says:

    What would be interesting would be if atoms were required but molecules were forbidden.

  3. j0lt says:

    Can require fuzzy socks? So comforting to the weary body & soul, and wearing them helps reach that peaceful sensation much earlier in the wine-drinking ceremonies.

  4. Bruce says:

    Regardless of what rituals we decide on, I say that nothing should require us to wake up before noon on the weekends.

  5. Foilwoman says:

    Any communion wine would have to be a nice Shiraz (perhaps one of the fight fighting wines of Australia), cabernet sauvignon, Rioja, Chianti, or some others, all good tasting, including a good Chateauneuf du Pape (giving it a religious sound). Milk chocolate is illegal. Guys who think sex is all about the penis should have “stupid” (and probaby “inconsiderate”) tattooed on their forhead. A combover is a heresy punishable by burning at the stake. I’ll add more later. I might have to edit this list though.

  6. The Ghost of Violet says:

    Milk chocolate is illegal.

    But chocolate milk — that’s the food of the gods!

  7. Illogical Planner says:

    Schism already!

    Dark chocolate vs milk chocolate!

    Couldn’t we have a trinity of dark, milk, & white chocolate? All equally creamy good? Especially when wrapped around almonds, or cashews?

    I strongly second the sleeping ’til noon on weekends rule.

  8. The Ghost of Violet says:

    The more chocolate the better!

    Actually though I wasn’t plumping for milk chocolate but rather chocolate milk — you know, milk with chocolate flavoring in it. I never buy the stuff because I can’t control myself. I would drink gallons and gallons of chocolate milk if I had it. Then I would blow up like a water balloon and die.

  9. Aunti Disestablishmentarian says:

    Whatever this thing we are creating is called, we must pay homage to tradition and bilk the trusting spiritually-starved masses for all they’ve got. And spend it on Chocolate Fondue Fountains.

    One of my favorite movie scenes: Repo Man: Otto wants to collect the college money his stoner parents had been saving for him. “We don’t have it anymore. We gave it all to the Reverend’s telethon. We’re sending bibles to El Salvador.”

    The belief system we introduce is immaterial. But mythologies to do with space travel far off planets and alien avatars seems to be particularly in vogue these days.

    In conclusion: We get chocolate, and you get to be a spaceman for eternity.

  10. bob c says:

    could support the mission with a choco-biz that caters to all tastes. This would be so effective a source of revenue and friends, sleeping till noon would be mandatory to control consumption by initiates. OF COURSE, any one blessed by Dr. Socks has free reign

  11. Level Best says:

    Isn’t tax-exemption the cornerstone? Get with the program, folks.

  12. The Ghost of Violet says:

    We need to work in reincarnation and sex.

  13. B. Dagger Lee says:

    The Twenty Commandments:
    1. Thou shalt dance! Thou shalt shake thy groove thang!
    2. Thou shalt sing!
    3. Thou shalt emit zero pollution!
    4. Thou shalt not maketh factory farms nor factory ships!
    5. Thou shalt not press species into extinction!
    6. Thou shalt not cut down trees!
    7. Thou shalt get totally serious about the not killing!
    8. Thou shalt not make war!
    9. Thou shalt maketh a single-payer national health care system!
    10. Thou shalt practice a science!
    11. Thou shalt practice an art!
    12. Thou shalt not oppress others, neither human nor animal!
    13. Thou shalt maketh government-supported day care!
    14. Thou shalt rideth thy bicycle, if ye are able, in preference to all other modes of transportation!
    15. Thou shalt not stuffeth thy religion downeth the throats of others!
    16. Thou shalt neuter and spay thy pets!
    17. Thou shalt cry and laugh more!
    18. Thou shalt resurrect the railroads!
    19. Thou shalt not kill cetaceans!
    20. Thou shalt subsidize mass transit!

    I’ll stop there, though I could go on and on and on.

  14. me, me, me says:

    I have frequently been reincarnated by sex.

    Stilton on baguettes, toasted under the grill, for afters.

  15. The Ghost of Violet says:

    No hip-hop, no rap. Songs have to be sung. And the words “ho” and “bitch” are forbidden.

  16. me, me, me says:

    All Feist, allatime.

    I volunteer to be a maiden. If we need one. Or we could have rotating maidens. Heh. That’d be FUN. Wheee twirly twirly.

    But seriously back to me, me, me. I’m born on the Solstice. Isn’t that worth something?

  17. foilwoman says:

    I’m with B. Dagger Lee actually. And I did throw sex in there. Here’s some more:

    No lopping off of sensitive body parts. The god of this religion really isn’t hyperfocussed on cutting off sensitive body parts and doesn’t know why other religions and culture’s god focused on this.

    Be kind.

    Be generous.

    Feel empathy and act on it.

    Share food.

    In bed (sex, whereever), learn what pleases yourself and what pleases your partner. If the two things are irreconciliable, you need a different partner.

    There shall be NO BOOK saying “this is the word of god”. Anyone who writes such a book or quotes from such a book is a person who talks to god, which means that person is a loon. Thank you.

  18. B. Dagger Lee says:

    Alas, if there is to be no rap or hip hop, I cannot join this religion, for Lo! These are great African American art forms, and it is not the form that may displease, but the performer.

    For is not Gil Scott-Heron’s “Whitey on the Moon” from The Revolution Will Not be Televised, 1988, a work of genius, and is it not rap?

  19. anna says:

    This religion should ban (rather than endorse, as so many do) sexism and homophobia.

  20. The Ghost of Violet says:

    Rev. Lee, Whitey on the Moon is a great poem, but if it’s chanted monotonously over a) a drum machine track, b) samples of other people’s music, or c) the sound of a needle being dragged across a record, then I’m afraid I will have to either leave the room or commit suicide.

    But rather than ban the stuff entirely, I’ll just ask you to listen to it inside the Cone of Silence. Or maybe I’ll just stay inside the Cone of Silence myself, then everybody else can listen to rap.

  21. Infidel says:


  22. nina says:

    Violet, while I agree with you that “bitch” and “ho” must be banned, I agree with the estimable B. Dagger Lee that you must not ban all rap and hip-hop. Also, we must keep in mind that white chocolate is not chocolate at all, as it contains no cocoa whatsoever and is the evil invention of those who fear the truth. Finally, are you a Nesquick, or an Ovaltine gal?

  23. The Ghost of Violet says:

    Nesquick! Nesquick! Nesquick!

    I don’t understand white chocolate myself. I respect the proclivities of those who enjoy it, but to me it tastes like sweet wax.

    Okay, you guys win on the rap. But I get a Cone of Silence by god. And a rule that rap mustn’t be played in the presence of the Mope unless she’s in her Cone of Silence.

  24. orlando says:

    I like ritual, I think we need some of that. Chocolate and red wine components can be incorporated, of course. I can’t seem to come up with a creative enough format right now, but something derived from medieval mumming would be the go. Masks and madrigals and inversions of hierarchies. Goblets and garlands of evergreens and a capella in the Dorian mode. Tell me if I’m getting carried away.

  25. me, me, me says:

    Our official mode of transportation; the canoe in summer, snowshoes in winter. The way to go will be pointed out by snowshoe hare tracks for the latter, and the former, the moose swimming against the current, in the distance. There’s always at least one.

  26. orlando says:

    Me, me, me: isn’t it sadly early in the genesis of this glorious new venture to be imposing blinkered limitations by region on its potential participants? Snowshoes are not going to get much of a workout in Sydney.

  27. me, me, me says:

    You’re just jealous. But come to think of it, why not snowshoes at the beach? The type of snow you use them on is very like sand. You didn’t know that did you. Ha.

  28. Tokaia says:

    There does not need to be another religion. Is it really okay at all to tell people what they should think, live and feel? To have absolute power over others? To threaten people with divine retribution for otherwise harmless things?

    Oppression is the base of many religions (mostly Christian). There needs not be another.

    How about a religion where nobody has been coerced into giving up their autonomy and where people are free to pursue what pleases them, as long as they don’t bring harm to others. There’s only one commandment: Thou shalt not bring physical or emotional harm to thy neighbor.

  29. wiggles says:

    There’s only one commandment: Thou shalt not bring physical or emotional harm to thy neighbor.

    The Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have done unto you” I think covers that. Matter-of-fact, I think that’s probably the only useful thing in the whole Bible.