In which Dr. Socks asks the burning question, “Is there anything Hollywood won’t pornify?”
Grendel’s Mother struts the runway in her Jimmy Choos at the 6th century Denmark Annual Fashion Show and Mead Fest.
Never mind, I already know the answer.
So there I was, working at the computer, glancing at the news, trying to get my filing papers in for the next cloning project, when across the bow came this ad for Beowulf, the exciting new shit movie by some shit director, featuring Angelina Jolie as Grendel’s Mother. It’s Grendel’s Mother as you’ve never seen her before — indeed, as you never would have expected to see her in a gazillion years, given that she’s a lake monster whose salient characteristic is a ferocious tendency to rip people to shreds. Grendel’s Mother is many things (vengeful, powerful, terrifying), but sex-aaay ain’t one of them.
Until now.
The unwritten but unsecret rule in Hollywood, as in the rest of contemporary Western culture, is that if it’s female, it’s gotta be fuckable. Exceptions can be made, such as in the case of outer space creatures (Alien, for example, and while I haven’t seen the sequels I don’t believe the alien ever appears in stilettos and thong to do battle with Sigourney Weaver in a vat of baby oil, though I could be wrong), but these are rare. A powerful female who can’t be reduced to a butt naked fuck-me Barbie doll is a noxious and unnatural thing, too awful to contemplate, like Hillary Clinton or Janet Reno. So instead of Grendel’s Mother the Monster of the Mere, we get Grendel’s Mother the Super-Hot Naked MILF with Huge Breasts and Stiletto Heels That Appear To Be Growing Right Out Of Her Feet.
What the hell is up with those heels, anyway? Is she wearing shoes, or are those bone spurs? And where did the filmmakers get the idea that stilettos would be the appropriate fashion statement for a 6th century Danish monster?
But what am I saying? None of that matters. Literary fidelity, stylistic coherence, basic logic — these are trifles. Here’s all that matters:
In essence, Beowulf is porn for 13-year-olds, as it caters to two of the most basic, primal fantasies of hetero adolescent males: slaying a dragon and bedding Angelina Jolie…
Sexualized to the point of absurdity, this Beowulf is obsessed with heaving bosoms, vaginal caves, sultry demons stroking phallic swords that melt in their hands, and warriors fighting monsters in the buff, this last example composed in such a way that threats to the penis are plentiful but images of the member are always carefully obscured, Austin Powers-style. What this says about the film’s target audience is clear: boobs and violence are cool, shots of the male crotch are not.
Is he describing Beowulf or Western civilization?
As far as I’m concerned, this movie is just another data point for my thesis that popular culture is all geared towards 13-year-old boys. Boobsandviolence, boobsandviolence, boobsandviolence, relieved only by the occasional change-of-pace foray into violenceandboobs.
22 Responses to “In which Dr. Socks asks the burning question, “Is there anything Hollywood won’t pornify?””
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angryyoungwoman says:
Gosh, this infuriates me! First of all, I love the Beowulf myth–it’s so fun and violent, but you know, safe, since you’re just reading about it and not killing monsters in a video game (I’m a lit nerd, what can I say?). And Grendel’s Mother was always my favorite character. I like me some fierce monster-woman! When I was in college I even wanted to make an angry girl band called Grendel and name the first album Mother. Thanks, Hollywood, for screwing up all my hopes and dreams.
November 19th, 2007 at 4:24 am EST -
simply wondered says:
‘A powerful female who can’t be reduced to a butt naked fuck-me Barbie doll is a noxious and unnatural thing, too awful to contemplate’
but I bet grendel’s (13yr old) friends come round more often now that angelina jolie’s his mother. how are her cookies? await the sequel ‘honey I ripped the kids’ friends into little pieces.’
can I just check that the late violet is miffed because the great capitalist ideal, hollywood, has some seriously dodgy values? she really has spent too much time in the spirit lounge.
and the relative ‘acceptability’ of images of various parts of the body are a measure of what you can show and still get a certificate that allows you to peddle shite to 13 yr olds. not what they think is cool. the product makes it very clear that they are certain their winkies are sooooo cool.
angelina seemed remarkably ‘cool’ in her reported views of the piece as well. she ain’t dim and being constantly re-breasted in post as she was in tomb raider (my god could beowulf be worse than that stream of noxious ordure ‘but hey it’s so feminist, you guys!’) must get right on her errr large vicious claws. -
Level Best says:
I feel your pain, Ghost of Dr. Socks. My spouse and I locked eyes and froze for a few seconds when we saw the TV commercial for this atrocity. It’s one thing when morally bereft and mentally stunted panderers waste the equivalent of a small country’s GPA on producing celluloid tripe based on video games and off-hand thoughts, but when they take on the Western Canon the dumbing-down of all of us increases exponentially. There are going to be non-readers all over the place now who think they “know” Grendel. And if this thing makes any money, the literacy-challenged producers will have all kinds of ye olde stuff pitched to them–hawt hagiographies, maybe? And you are spot-on about the sexism. Virtually all women in movies now are sexual add-ons for the male characters and little else. If you want to see older, unsexy, realistic, and autonomous women in films you need to locate your nearest indie moviehouse (currently about as prevalent as abortion clinics in South Dakota).
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The Ghost of Violet says:
Hi there, angryyoungwoman and Level Best! New faces — I bet you came over from Shakey. Welcome!
and the relative ‘acceptability’ of images of various parts of the body are a measure of what you can show and still get a certificate that allows you to peddle shite to 13 yr olds. not what they think is cool. the product makes it very clear that they are certain their winkies are sooooo cool.
You’re right about the rating thing, but it’s also true that boys/men in this culture (’Murka) have some kind of homosexual panic or whatever it is about seeing Masculine Bits. I do think the ideal porn film for a 13-year-old American boy would somehow involve no male genitalia at all. Of course it’s different over there in the U.K. with your rampant public school homosexuality and spanking machines.
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The Ghost of Violet says:
By the way, I just need to say that every time I look at the picture for this post I think of Ray Winstone in Sexy Beast and laugh. CGI for everybody!
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kate217 says:
This just kills me. I’ve always loved Neil Gaiman and this really dulls his luster.
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Infidel says:
Slowly rising from the liquid, glistening naked, Janet Reno complete with spectacles(why not Angelina’s got high heels)-they’d have to take a few more minutes for the scene, she’s so damn tall. Then she walks slowly towards Beowolf, he’s transfixed at her nakedness and paralyzed with the horror of her wicked sneer.
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katecontinued says:
I hiked over from Shakesville, great post. I am using your theory as my sig line today. It is brilliant.
. . . popular culture is all geared towards 13-year-old boys. Boobsandviolence, boobsandviolence, boobsandviolence, relieved only by the occasional change-of-pace foray into violenceandboobs.Posted by The Ghost of Violet in Various and Sundry
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Orodemniades says:
I wandered in from Shakesville, too. When I first saw the ad I was horrified…not only by the icky animation, but by the little-to-no resemblance to the story whatsoever. I thought it was really sad when Angelina Jolie talked about how vulnerable she felt during the filming process, because she hated baring her 3 month pregnant belly. Sweetie, you’d hardly be showing, even at your weight.
And Neil Gaiman, why?!?
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kiuku says:
Ghost of Violet,
of course.
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Level Best says:
Thank you for the friendly greeting! I do read Shakesville, but I began reading you and your archives before I ever read SV and find both progressive blogs a source of hope. Readers of this thread might want to check out the comments on Beowulf by Flick Filsopher (MaryAnn Johanson). Her lead-in to the review is that it “would be a step up to be able to call it pornography.” It is a good read.
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The Ghost of Violet says:
More welcomes, to both Kates and Orodemniades. Hi!
Level Best, that’s a good recommendation. I found the link:
Flick Filosopher: Beowulf -
Timothy Shortell says:
It is difficult to deny the explanatory power of the pop-culture-created-by-13yo-boys theory. It surely doesn’t speak well of the ‘adult’ boys who consume said culture, does it?
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B. Dagger Lee says:
And don’t forget vioboobulence!
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Infidel says:
Even a forty year old woman has to appreciate the the warmth and comfort of a hug that smashes boobs against you or the excitement of a crash or explosion that doesn’t involve anyone getting hurt like for instance-Fourth of July fireworks. Still 13 year old boys tend to enjoy it more, probably because they are 13 years old and are boys.
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April says:
I feel you sister.
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Bonnie Ruberg says:
I totally agree. In my opinion, what would be really interesting is if Grendel’s mother were both a sex figure and hideous. That would really throw Hollywood for a loop :).
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Judge Rufus Peckham says:
Penis shots in movies draw “R” ratings — America is freaked out by the male organ. Women don’t like it, men don’t like it. It scares people.
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The Ghost of Violet says:
Women don’t like it
How do you know?
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Jude says:
Exceptions can be made, such as in the case of outer space creatures (Alien, for example, and while I haven’t seen the sequels I don’t believe the alien ever appears in stilettos and thong to do battle with Sigourney Weaver in a vat of baby oil, though I could be wrong), but these are rare.
Er. The Alien/s series is all about pornification. Giger and the other creators had a serious terror of female sexuality. Drippy, gooey, ridged tunnels full of dead or dying people and deathbringing aliens. Childbirth as things bursting out of people. And the Mother Alien as biggest, baddest sexy female of all. And the whole combat between the Good Mother and the Evil Mother.
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The Ghost of Violet says:
Really? Wow, I’m out of the loop. I saw Alien (the original movie) in 1979, I think, and I still regard the scene where the alien bursts out of John Hurt’s stomach as one of the most shocking things I’ve ever seen on film. I recall Sigourney Weaver in undies at the end of the movie, which was clearly for gratuitous cheesecake purposes, but other than that I don’t remember the movie well enough to recall if there was any other sexism.
I haven’t seen the sequels at all, so I don’t know how the whole thing developed.
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orlando says:
I don’t think pornification is the right word for what they do in Alien. Anxiety is not the same thing as titilation. Also, these movies may show a preoccupation with the devouring mother (not to mention bringing a whole new dimension to the vagina dentata concept), but human women are portrayed as so admirable that I would never think of them as sexist. I want to see more Ripleys and brave little Newts on our screens.
