Virtual Pumpkin Carving
I’ve spent what seems like decades of my life with my hands immersed in wet, sloppy pumpkin goo, scraping out the endless insides of orange gourds, shearing away at the rind to get that front wall thin enough for my magnificent carving to come. Pumpkin poo under my finger nails; pumpkin glop in the big bowl next to me; pumpkin rind in my dog’s mouth as she settles down to eat the contraband piece she grabbed off the newspaper when I wasn’t looking, contraband that will disappear into her stomach only to reappear later in another form, all over her dog bed and the carpet and my couch.
But not this year.
This year I’m in a tent in the Himalayas with Raoul, and there are no pumpkins for sale. My bag of Halloween stuff — carving tools, Carve O’Lantern kits, creased paper patterns from years past still with bits of Scotch tape adhering to the corners — is in the closet in my study. Or maybe in the garage. Or possibly in my little storage unit. Wherever it is, it’s not here.
I want to post pictures of my past masterpieces, but I can’t find them. I can’t find anything anymore. You want to know what my life looks like? Picture a mountain — picture Everest, since it’s right outside my tent as I type this: a giant jutting monster rising 12,000 feet above the Tibetan Plateau. Now imagine this mountain is made of paper. Paper, books, journals, books, sketches, books, bills, books, special offers, 0% APR on balance transfers until December 1, accept our gift today, your national forests are at risk, hurry offer ends November 16, dare to compete, pre-approval notice, please respond within 4 weeks, cash back, you’ve been selected, it’s time to renew, free shipping for the holidays. Annual reports. Sierra Club newsletters. Special Notices. And catalogs — Holy Chomolunga, the catalogs. Plow & Hearth Jackson & Perkins Metropolitan Museum Plow & Hearth Smithsonian Fire Mountain Plow & Hearth Land’s End Travel Smith Foster and Smith Plow & Hearth Victorian Trading Co.
Somewhere, deep inside this paper mountain, is my life.
I did find this one picture, and only because it was on my old computer:
I have no idea when that was. Five years ago? Ten? Who the hell knows.
At any rate, this year I’m going to be doing my carving online. No pumpkin poo for me and Raoul, by god. Thanks to the power of the inner tubes, I’m now hipped to the new, poo-free way to carve:
21 Responses to “Virtual Pumpkin Carving”
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Infidel says:
Thank You Ghost of Violet that was really fun!
October 31st, 2007 at 3:37 pm EST -
The Ghost of Violet says:
I’m glad you liked it.
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simply wondered says:
my son and his mum did their first pumpkin together this halloween/samhain and it is of course the most beautiful/scary one ever.
mind you, when i was a lad we had turnips!
we really did. -
The Ghost of Violet says:
Dear God! I thought turnip-carving went out in the 18th century.
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Ann Bartow says:
That was fun! Me, I’m getting lots of trick or treaters. Twizzlers and Skittles are very popular. Tootsie Rolls are going slowly. The Milk Duds just aren’t moving.
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Sis says:
Let’s all carve a head for Raoul.
The best thing to do with a pumpkin is get a small to medium Sugar pumpkin, clean it out, like Ghost of did, and then bake it whole until just fork done, place on a large platter and pour scalding hot turkey soup into it. You just made it silly. When you serve it use a big metal serving spoon and carve out bits of the pumpkin to go into each serving.
*made from the carcas of course, which was first roasted and browned in the oven, then used to make broth and the broth used to cook all the leftover turkey, gravy and mashed this and that.
**this might be a good one
If you’re me you save all this stuff at Canadian Thanksgiving so you can do this.
Really.
And serve Canadian butter tarts as a go with.
This isn’t off topic. It has a pumpkin.
http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/
food/views/13317 -
Timothy Shortell says:
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simply wondered says:
GOV: ‘Dear God! I thought turnip-carving went out in the 18th century.’
or, as it is also known, the North East of England.
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therealuk says:
Dear God! I thought turnip-carving went out in the 18th century.
It was alive and kicking in 1970s northern England.
Nowadays of course the whole thing is Americanified, and our grand cultural turnip traditions have sadly been lost and replaced with “candy” and consumerism. Oh woe for olde albion woe.
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therealuk says:
the 18th century…or, as it is also known, the North East of England.
There’s a joke in there somewhere about how that’s an insult to the 18th century. But, I’ll let it slide. Being all hallows and all.
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therealuk says:
and while I’m here Dr Socks, have you seen this ?
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wor.....072404.stm
Do you think it will stand ? It would be good if it did. But would it ever open the way for a recognition of hate speech against women as well ?
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The Ghost of Violet says:
I don’t know if it will stand, therealuk, but regardless I don’t see this heralding a new refusal to tolerate hate speech, not even hate speech against gay people. The thing is, Fred Phelps is insane. Even the religious right in this country won’t touch him with a ten-foot pole. His group goes to the funerals of soldiers and cheers their deaths regardless of their sexual orientation, all because in Phelps’ mind the American military is enabling homosexuality. He also targeted Ronald Reagan and Jerry Falwell.
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annared says:
Oh yes SW. the north eastern 18th century Samhain turnip. Just to put a regional twist on this; when my kids were little in the 90’s before the outbreak of the US Pumpkin, I often carved them a large potato lantern when small and delicate little arms could not cope with the weight of the mighty Neep (okay now I’m lapsing into Scottish)
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simply wondered says:
oh my twinkling chum – bairns with burning potatoes – bless!!! how sweet they must look as the hoy the bloody things through the window of the miserable old buggers next door, the entire estate goes up in flames and they pelt the fire brigade with traditional halloween missiles. it’s the allendale tar barrels on acid or bonfire night a week early. they don’t get that in america with their ‘candy’ and specially printed notices for paedophiles.
and: ‘But would it ever open the way for a recognition of hate speech against women as well ?’
the way european law is beginning to be understood and embraced (in a cautious british kind of way) by some in the uk means we may actually be able to use some of the extra rights it gives us. if we wanted to come up with an offence of hate speech against women i reckon there’s plenty there in the areas of equal rights and direct effect to make it possible.
personally i don’t like the separate crimes of inciting racial hatred, as i think the law covers the offences already. arguably it has a value in acknowledging formally that it is wrong, but i don’t like the implied distinction between ethnic/religious minorities, gay people and ‘real people’. it will also be used to silence just the sort of people who speak out against hatred and discrimination. they could certainly have used it as a stick to beat lenny bruce (like they needed any more). -
The Ghost of Violet says:
I am fascinated by this turnip carving business. “The mighty Neep” she says! — but to me, as a pumpkin-carving North American, turnips are just so small. True, that makes them suitable as portable lanterns (pumpkins are too big to carry around), but it seems that it would be awfully difficult to do any decent carving in one. I bet nobody’s ever carved the face of William Shatner in a turnip.
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therealuk says:
turnips are just so small
I think some of what the Scots call neeps are often called swede elswhere in the UK, and what US would say rutabaga. So they’re big enough to carve, whereas the little white turnips – more the size of a small to medium onion – not so much.
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therealuk says:
…i don’t like the separate crimes of inciting racial hatred…arguably it has a value in acknowledging formally that it is wrong, but i don’t like the implied distinction between ethnic/religious minorities, gay people and ‘real people’.
Dave Neiwert and Sara Robinson have written some good pieces on hate crimes over at the Orcinus blog. This might not be what your on about, but I prefer the term they use of “bias crime” – it’s about targetting a member of a group to cause fear to the whole group in addition to the individual. (rape and porn and other violence against women works like this)
There needs to be some distinction between hate and the criticism of hate though, but my brain is too fuzzy to think that through and write it out at the moment.
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The Ghost of Violet says:
I think some of what the Scots call neeps are often called swede elswhere in the UK, and what US would say rutabaga.
To me, even those look small. I googled yesterday and found pictures of carved turnips (or swedes) from the UK, and yes, they’re good size for turnips. But compared to pumpkins they’re just little things. Nice size for a child to carry a lantern, but it seems the carving would be tricky.
I hope you folks over there won’t take a disliking to pumpkins just because of the annoying U.S. connection. Canadians like pumpkins too! The pumpkin is a wonderful vegetable and pumpkin pie is out of this world.
I’m also interested to see that you all are putting candy in scare quotes. Do you usually say “sweets”? Does “candy” read as an American term?
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The Ghost of Violet says:
Sis, I meant to tell you that you scared Raoul. He got all excited when he saw your comment about carving a head for him, but then you went on to talk about turkey killing! Poor Raoul. As a former parrot he feels a deep kinship.
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Sis says:
Raoul Raaaaouuuul! Would I do anything to upset you? Wait. (Vi can I have a fake fight with Raoul too?)
We’ll have Tofurky soup.
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therealuk says:
Do you usually say “sweets”? Does “candy” read as an American term?
Yes, definitely.
Pumpkins and squashes have got quite popular over the last 10/20 yrs. They can be grown here, though I’ve never has a garden big enough unfortunately, and most supermarkets sell them through autumn to eat.
Sis, We’ll have Tofurky soup.
lol
