Now that I’ve died and moved on to the spirit realm, I’m ready to take your questions

Monday, August 27th, 2007 · 36 Comments »

Loyal readers know that I was killed a few days ago in a freak accident involving President Bush, Martin Heidegger, and some smack. I spent the weekend goofing off in my new disembodied state — floating around the house, stealing socks out of the dryer, scooting Molly’s ball all around the floor like it’s alive (she loves that, just barks her little head off!) — but it’s time to buckle down and get serious. I have a Higher Calling.

As a Disembodied Being of Pure Spirit, I am now on another plane of existence, one where the mysteries that defy mortal souls are revealed, where the ultimate truths that underpin the universe are as clear as a drop of melted snow on the tip of a bodhisattva’s finger. And I owe it to you, my meaty friends, to share these spiritual riches.

Yes, friends, I’m here to answer all your questions: about God, the meaning of life, Alberto Gonzales, what have you.

Fire away.

Filed under: Reclusive Leftist, Various and Sundry · Tags:

36 Responses to “Now that I’ve died and moved on to the spirit realm, I’m ready to take your questions”

  1. Infidel says:

    Do you still have gender?

  2. The Ghost of Violet says:

    The spirit itself is non-gendered. Neither male nor female.

    But I can choose, for example, to gender myself female and take a female astral body. That’s what spirits do when they want to party.

  3. Christina says:

    You said that you now understand the mysteries of…whatever you said up there.

    So, please, Disembodies Dr. Violet Socks, tell me:

    What the HELL is wrong with PEOPLE?!??

  4. The Ghost of Violet says:

    A variety of things, but the most important thing to bear in mind is that humans are animals. Selfishness and aggression are animal adaptations. Human intelligence is limited by the meat brain. Hostility is an animal response to stress.

  5. Gumbercules says:

    Ghost of Violet, what’s wrong with my bike? Is the CLUNK*ping* sound fatal? And why won’t the d00dz at the bike shop either fix it or give it back? Am I accused of Cycling While Female?

  6. The Ghost of Violet says:

    No, it’s just the cams. The bike shop is going to try to fleece you for a precision re-engineering, but the guy who usually does the fleecing had to go to his cousin’s wedding. As soon as he gets back you’ll be hearing from them.

  7. Infidel says:

    Ghost of Violet, you know what I want to ask you and I know you know the answer, you know I know you know, so tell me did Violet have a good friend? Was Violet embodied so her dogs would have someone to play with? and with your new sight is their anything better about Russian Ballet?

  8. The Ghost of Violet says:

    The Ghost of Nijinsky is sitting right here beside me, so I’d advise you to be careful what you say. Vatsa has a temper.

    Actually, I chose to embody as Violet so I could eat ice cream sandwiches. I love those.

  9. kristi says:

    Spirit of Violet, can you give me any tips on dealing with religious whackjobs? It would come in ever so handy.

  10. The Ghost of Violet says:

    I realize that sounds silly — the ice cream sandwiches thing – but there’s really a lot to it. Eating is fun.

    Of course if you want the whole rundown on why I chose that particular life in that particular bodily form and what I was hoping to achieve in terms of spiritual growth — eh. Booorrring.

  11. The Ghost of Violet says:

    Avoid them! That’s the best thing to do. Stay far, far, far away.

    Many religious whackjobs are actually malevolent spirits who have incarnated on earth just so they can make shitstorms and fuck with people. Of course some of them are just hapless human souls who have been taken in, but it’s almost impossible for a meat-based being such as yourself to tell the difference. Stay away.

  12. kristi says:

    Wow, that explains a lot. Thank you, benevolent spirit.

  13. Infidel says:

    Ghost of Violet, Where did you go when that amoeba thingie took over your body?

  14. The Ghost of Violet says:

    I just kind of hunkered down in the medulla oblongata for awhile.

  15. ginmar says:

    Disembodied Violet looks a lot like Mata Hari. Who in turn kind of looks like Karsavina.

  16. The Ghost of Violet says:

    The picture is of my physical shell at the moment I was raptured up into the Heavenly Light. My usual astral form is sort of a sparkly green glob with bright blue protuberances.

    By the way, Karsavina is currently incarnated as a goat herder in Mauritania. I hear she’s hating it.

  17. ginmar says:

    What did poor Tamara do to deserve that?

  18. Victoria says:

    Okay… it’s tacky but no one else asked and I just have to know. If ice cream sandwiches are still possible (through whatever temporal shift), what about sex? Seems to me that’s at least as awesome and important as ice cream.

  19. The Ghost of Violet says:

    Dearest Gin Marie: Tamara chose her new life as a Mauritanian goat herder. It’s all about balancing out the prima ballerina/diamonds and caviar existence before. She wants to be a well-rounded spirit. Though she did fall on some hard times towards the end of her existence as Karsavina, so for karmic symmetry I think the plan is for the goat-herder to luck into some diamonds and caviar once he gets old. Not sure about the ballet.

    Dearest Victoria: You mistake me. Ice cream sandwiches are best enjoyed when corporeal, and during my life as Violet Socks I ate a gazillion of them. Sex, on the other hand, is not only possible but actually better once you’re spirit. Why?

    1. You can pick your body as well as the body of your lover;
    2. You can join your souls together as well as your bits.

  20. Sis says:

    Ghosty can you tell me how to make a word doc out of a unicode file?

    I know. Wrong ask me place. I’m desperate. Would you believe I still haven’t cleaned out here from the Cheetos mess?

  21. The Ghost of Violet says:

    You can try opening the unicode file with Word, which usually recognizes UTF-8. If the file has a funny extension, try changing it to .txt

    The Microsoft Fairy is on a smoke break right now, so I’m sorry I can’t get into your computer there and see the problem. The Microsoft guys are nuts with that stuff — won’t let the other spirits get involved at all.

  22. Sis says:

    I’ve called every one of the f^#*&%! I can think of. Nothing. Four pages of my BLOOD.

    Eclipse this morning. You’ll have a good view from up there right? Gotta get my balcony ready now; hot chocolate, fuzzy blankeys, a flashlight and the Mac catalogue. Thanks Ghosty.

  23. Victoria says:

    Thanks for the clarification, I misunderstood the ice cream bit. Nice to know there is good boinking to be had in the great beyond.

    Now can you please tell me why my dog has an upset tummy, and why there is as yet no vaccination for teenage surliness? Thanks in advance!

  24. will says:

    As a ghost writer, how do you select who will be the listed author for your book?

    Related question: How do I purchase a book when I only know the name of the ghost writer?

  25. The Ghost of Violet says:

    Victoria:

    1) Lint-covered four-month-old jelly bean from under the sofa.
    2) Because dealing with teenagers is part of your spiritual journey. Think of it as a Vision Quest.

    Will:

    1) [divide by zero error]
    2) Just ask the ghost writer.

  26. Infidel says:

    Looking back at your funeral, did you have a favorite floral arrangement?

  27. Paul Tergeist says:

    I gots a question. What do you say to this idiot Pro-lifer on Facebook who explains that rape is not a crime but a tort, and that instead of facing prosecution, rapists should be sued by their victims?

    http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?uid=2229718737&topic=8932&start=180&%20=28dac59d0c70ed1681db689d29f3f06c#post89566

  28. The Ghost of Violet says:

    Paul, Facebook is a Satanic conspiracy.

    Infidel, I didn’t have a funeral. I’ve still got the body here on ice in case I decide to re-incorporate.

  29. Paul Tergeist says:

    I’ve still got the body here on ice in case I decide to re-incorporate.
    -V

    Make a decision. Even JESUS only lasted three days.

  30. Infidel says:

    That’s why she’s always wearing those earmuffs.

  31. simply wondered says:

    so are you still fictitious – or was that fictional? does that work with being non-corporeal (or differently-corporeal might be a less negative way to put it)?

    and how come you gotta be dead before that rat tergeist shows his sadass face around here (delighted to see you, chum)

  32. The Ghost of Violet says:

    differently-corporeal

    This made all the spirits on smoke break in the faculty lounge laugh their differently-corporeal asses off.

  33. Infidel says:

    Ghost of Violet, what energy source powers those beautiful blue protuberances of yours? And I’d like to add how astonishingly glittery your overall green globularness is, like the irridencence of a hummingbirds head. Have you run into Elvis?

  34. Timothy Shortell says:

    My dear disembodied Violet,
    Surely you realize that there is only the material world, and therefore, you don’t exist.

    Perhaps all this is happening in the moment of your expiry? Didn’t I see something in the Times recently about scientists being confident that they know how that out of body feeling is created?

  35. Infidel says:

    As an eloquant Orthodox Catholic cleric posited on NPR, and I paraphrase, What good would it have done for Moses to come down from the mountain with the periodic table of elements?

    Anyway, is there anything in our lives in this corporeal or cropological, as it were life that can be improved by insights afforded us by your demise and subsequent reapearance, in addition to finding the car keys, something big, something that will end the world as we know it more than the mere passing of time??? I feel so guilty, I promise I won’t post for a month if you’ll only turn back the hands of time and once again be the living breathing cookie making Violet oblivious to the Bush Administration of the Absurd oh! Ghost of Violet would you be insulted if I drew a cartoon of you to depict your globularness??

  36. Infidel says:

    eloquent