Change in plans
Our new destination.
Dear Friends:
I know you’ve all been looking forward to joining me on our much-anticipated cryogenic voyage to Gliese 581C, but there’s been a change in plans. I’ve decided to follow Congress’s lead and shift our colonization efforts to a different target: Iraq.
Like Gliese 581c, Iraq is also very hot and not quite fit for human life. We’ll need to undertake massive terraforming, probably even the generation of a new atmosphere, in order to render it suitable for human habitation. But it’s a lot closer!
We’re still looking at a long time frame — thousands and thousands of years — but at least we won’t have to fool with those weird sleep-capsule things that have always freaked me out ever since I saw 2001: A Space Odyssey when I was 10.
Of course we still get to re-name the colonized planet country as we like; I think Huge Fucking Oil Deposit would be good. Any other suggestions?
6 Responses to “Change in plans”
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Infidel says:
ClusterFuckNebulae?
May 24th, 2007 at 7:23 am EST -
B. Dagger Lee says:
I still say Bendover is good.
Or Club Med.
Or Snafugloria.
How about New Arkansas?
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Infidel says:
Mythras(in keeping with the use of Roman God names)
According to Persian traditions, the god Mithras was actually incarnated into the human form of the Saviour expected by Zarathustra. Mithras was born of Anahita, an immaculate virgin mother once worshipped as a fertility goddess before the hierarchical reformation. Anahita was said to have conceived the Saviour from the seed of Zarathustra preserved in the waters of Lake Hamun in the Persian province of Sistan. Mithra’s ascension to heaven was said to have occurred in 208 B.C., 64 years after his birth. This birth took place in a cave or grotto, where shepherds attended him and regaled him with gifts, at the winter solstice. This is based on a older myth about birth of Mithra, that his magical birth at the dawn of time was from a rock from which he formed himself using his Will. He holds in his hand a dagger and a torch. A statue from Housesteads shows Mithras being born from the rock while the twelve signs of the zodiac surround him, showing his image as a stellar god who rules the cosmos even at his birth. A serpent sometimes shown to be coiled around of the Mithras or birth stone/egg.
Lake Hamun is around the border of Iran/Afghanistan. It only now occurred to me that American forces in Iraq and Afghanistan would be needed to conduct a war with Iran on two fronts.
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Violet says:
When I was washing my hands just now, a name popped into my head: Jesus In A Box.
What does it mean? I don’t think that would be a good name for our new country, but what would it be a good name for? A band? A Happy Meal?
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Infidel says:
A kit to give out to heathens in third world countries to convert them- it includes a new testament, rosary, candle, chocolate, and crackers. “Jesus in a Box”
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Violet says:
No, not chocolate and crackers. A shrink-wrapped communion wafer and a tiny little one-sip serving of wine.
