God’s obsession with penises
It’s a curious thing about the God of the Universe, the Creator of All That Exists, the Ground of Being: He (and it is a “He”) is utterly transfixed by human penises. It is His burning focus. You would think that He might have bigger fish to fry, maybe a nebula to look after, perhaps some singularities to manage. But no: in this universe that is billions of light-years across and contains billions of galaxies, each one of which in turn contains billions of stars and billions of planets, God’s most pressing concern is what Earth hominids do with their penises.
This is why God is very unhappy that Pakistan has passed a new law removing rape cases from sharia jurisdiction. Sharia law stipulates that a woman can only prove that she’s been raped — that is, that a penis has entered her body against her will — if she can present four penis-bearing witnesses to the act. Otherwise she’s liable to be convicted of adultery, which is to say she willingly allowed the penis to enter her body, an act punishable by death. This might seem a strange way to prosecute rape, since most rapes are probably not committed in the presence of four innocent witnesses who would then be willing to testify to the crime. But the purpose of the sharia law isn’t to prosecute rape so much as it is to make sure men don’t put their penises into women who don’t belong to them, whether by consent or force. God hates it when that happens. He wants penis-bearers to respect each other’s female property. The sharia law is good because it tends to keep women from moving about freely in the world: leaving their homes unattended, holding jobs, going without full-body Hefty bag coverings, etc. God knows that if women do those things then the opportunities for men to put their penises in the wrong women are magnified. He also knows that it’s almost always the woman’s fault when a penis goes astray like that, and so it’s appropriate for women to bear the punishment. By abandoning His rules, Pakistan has secured itself a place on God’s shit list.
On the other hand, God is very happy that His law is still being faithfully observed in Iran, where earlier this week a man was publicly executed in front of cheering crowds for the crime of putting his penis into another man’s bottom. God really, really hates for penises to go into other men’s bottoms.
6 Responses to “God’s obsession with penises”
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henderson says:
hi me again. I know, i wish it was somebody else too.
Butt pinching. Where does Allah stand on butt pinching? Because Pakistan is the butt pinchinest bunch I nearly ever come across. I never pinched a butt that didn’t belong to me, however I wonder what it’s like to just cop an unauthorized feel in a crowded train during hajj. just for grins.
As for the new way in Pakistan. Better late than never.
November 17th, 2006 at 6:56 pm EST -
Mandos says:
“Better late than never.”
Actually, the previous legal schema was only instituted in the 70s, and purely for the dictator General Zia-ul-Haq to neutralize the religious groups who were a potential threat. And the automatic implication of an adultery charge following a failed rape charge is a convenient reinterpretation, as I understand it.
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Timothy Shortell says:
And let’s not forget that God’s penis obsession includes collecting foreskins. (Which sort of sounds like the habit of a serial killer. Hmmm…)
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flavius says:
God: (i) mythical being (ii) daddy-in-the-sky (iii) mommy-in-the-sky (iv) the best way to convince someone to kill q.v. fiction, fairy tale
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Paul Tergeist says:
On the other hand, God is very happy that His law is still being faithfully observed in Iran, where earlier this week a man was publicly executed in front of cheering crowds for the crime of putting his penis into another man’s bottom. God really, really hates for penises to go into other men’s bottoms.
-VioletWATCH OUT TED HAGGARD! GOD SEES YOU!
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Mandos says:
im in ur water filtration plant, fluoridating ur precious bodily fluids.
