Another Pony!
Ted Haggard preaching inside a…planetarium? Underneath the biggest disco ball in the world? Inset: Mike Jones, the prostitute who accuses Haggard of being a long-time paying customer.
They really are all secretly gay, aren’t they? All the homobigots, all the godbags who rail against The Gay Menace. I’ve said it several times in jest, but I jest no more: every single one of those guys is hunkering after man meat in the worst way.
The latest godbag to fall is Ted Haggard, who may be the most important evangelical in America. He’s the pastor of the humongous New Life Church, the head of the 30-million member National Association of Evangelicals (that’s 10% of the U.S. population for you math geeks!), and the unofficial dean of the evangelical movement.
He’s also a frigging lunatic. Haggard lives in a kind of Ghostbusters world where demons wait around hoping to leap into warm bodies, satantic activities are concentrated in particular geographic “power points” (not the Microsoft kind!), and it’s considered good form to go out and annoint intersections with holy cooking oil via a 5-gallon garden sprayer.
His theology is…interesting:
One of Pastor Ted’s favorite books is Thomas Friedman’s The Lexus and the Olive Tree, which is now required reading for the hundreds of pastors under Ted’s spiritual authority across the country. From Friedman, Pastor Ted says he learned that everything, including spirituality, can be understood as a commodity. And unregulated trade, he concluded, was the key to achieving worldly freedom.
You know those Mormon commercials where they talk about Jesus and the Bible and then lead up to mentioning “another testament to Jesus Christ”? I’m thinking Haggard’s church could do something like that: sure, you know the Bible, but have you read Thomas Friedman?
“…I want the church to help me live life well, not exhaust me with endless ‘worthwhile’ projects.” By “worthwhile projects” Ted means building funds and soup kitchens alike. It’s not that he opposes these; it’s just that he is sick of hearing about them and believes that other Christians are, too. He knows that for Christianity to prosper in the free market, it needs more than “moral values”—it needs customer value.
“Supply-Side Jesus”! He’s fun, he’s New and Improved, and he wants to help you live life well. None of that boring old do-gooder crap. Who gives a shit about soup kitchens?
Haggard also favors war:
“I teach a strong ideology of the use of power,” he says, “of military might, as a public service.” He is for preemptive war, because he believes the Bible’s exhortations against sin set for us a preemptive paradigm, and he is for ferocious war, because “the Bible’s bloody. There’s a lot about blood.”
It’s just like Jesus said: Fuck the peacemakers!
And you can imagine the Haggard doctrine on women:
Just as we conform ourselves to God’s will, so, said Ted, must “the Woman.” The Woman must take on her man’s calling, her man’s desire…The Man is the Christ; the Woman is the Body. He is coming; she is the church; she must open her doors. United, they are the Kingdom, ready for battle. “The Christian home,” preached Pastor Ted, “is to be in a constant state of war.” This made many so happy they put their hands in the air, antennae for spirit transmissions. “Massive warfare!” Ted cried out.
Hmm. But what if he’s coming and she doesn’t open her doors? Could this be what happened to Pastor Ted? Did his wife not open her doors?
Or…(cue ominous music)… has Pastor Ted been possessed by a demon? One of his parishoners explains the danger of gay sex demons:
Linda had seen with her own eyes the sex demons that make homosexuals rebel against God, and she said they are gruesome; but she did not name them, for she would not “give demons glory.” They are all the same, she said. “It’s radicalism.”
She reached across the table and touched my hand. “I have to tell you, the spiritual battle is very real.” We are surrounded by demons, she explained, reciting the lessons she had learned in her small-group studies at New Life. The demons are cold, they need bodies, they long to come inside. People let them in in two different ways. One is to be sinned against. “Molested,” suggested Linda. The other is to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. You could walk by sin—a murder, a homosexual act—and a demon will leap onto your bones.
I’m totally betting that’s what happened to Pastor Ted. Just walking down the street, just minding his own business, when a gay sex demon lept into his bones.
That makes this video clip particularly poignant. Here’s Pastor Ted preaching against homosexuality, but if the timeline asserted by Mike Jones is correct, the gay sex demon was already in Pastor Ted’s bones at the time this film was made. It’s like The Exorcist or something.
12 Responses to “Another Pony!”
-
Infidel says:
You could take the book as Gospel and the rest, all the rest, the virgin ballers, the pumpkin popes, the godbags, as false prophets.
Hermeneutics forbid taking the book as Gospel.
Anyways the guy is nuts, the religion is nutty, but the youth group outings and such are kinda fun in a little league getting together and doing stuf sorta way, as is bingo, even mass is kinda nice that way.
Voice of God.. up my ass yeah! oh yeah, let me suckit mmmmmmphw lalal, mmph- why not, who’s to say?November 3rd, 2006 at 12:42 pm EST -
Paul Tergeist says:
I dunno, Violet. Fidel might NOT really be insane. But it’s hard to tell sometimes.
Back to demons. That old coot Pastor Al used to insist that homer demons infest colons and that farts are little demons escaping in order to jump into someone else’s warm body….sort of like maggots turning into flies and leaving a rotting carcass. I’d sure hate to be attacked by them, but I am particularly afraid of one in particular. The dreaded Coultergeist.
-
Paul Tergeist says:
Today’s Ted news. Ted admits to paying for a massage from Mike and buying meth from him. But no sex and he didn’t take the speed.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
I hate to use Landover Baptist as a reference, but Pastor Larry Lee had a comment:
I decided to call Brother Ted and offer him my True Christian™ condolences. His phone number is published on his Church’s website.
Unfortunately, Brother Ted wasn’t available when I called, and so I spoke with Lana. She — shockingly — refused to say whether or not she thought Brother Ted was a homosexual, nor would she confirm that he was in her prayers, at this his very darkest hour.
I am not amused. If Brother Ted’s own Church won’t lift him up in prayer before the Lord, then LBC must step in and fill the breech. I hope that all True Christians™ would pray this simple prayer on Brother Ted’s behalf.
Oh Merciful Father, we pray for our Brother Ted and hope to high heaven that he’s not an accursed sodomite, but if he is, dear Lord, we beseech You to fulfill the law given to us in Leviticus 20:13 and put Brother Ted to death. We ask this in Jesus Holy name. Amen.
Thanks Pastor Lee…but…could you ask God to take George Bush as well and boot them both into HELL? Dick Cheney would make a GREAT president, don’t you think?
-
Violet says:
Here’s Mike Jones’ website advertisement for his massage services (I especially like the picture of him naked except for a Santa hat and a stuffed teddy bear on his butt):
MASSAGE BY MIKE
Voted best massage and personal trainer for the years 2000, 2001 and 2002 by readers of the community newspaper Out Front Colorado. Former state bodybuilding and powerlifting champion.I offer a deep tissue and swedish style massage with the pleasure of the man in mind. If you like a strong muscle man to bring pleasure to you then please call me. I am a muscle stud with a friendly personality and a caring heart. When the Broadway shows play in town the cast and crew call upon me for massage.
I am 5″8 and weigh 190 lbs.
My arms are 18 inches.
My chest is 47 inches.
My waist is 32 inches.
My thighs are 24 inches.
I have brown hair and blue eyes.My rates are as follows:
In calls at my place in Capitol Hill of Denver: $70.00 per hour $90.00 1 1/2 hrs.
Out calls start at $100.00.
***
How much meth does $100 or $200 buy? Jones has two taped voice mails from Haggard asking him to buy meth.
-
foilwoman says:
This is too easy. And we wonder why these guys hate women. We outht to ask them what they ask women whenever we say “Don’t beat us”, “Don’t mutilate us.” or “Don’t kill us.” We should ask them “Why do you hate women?” As well as: “Why do you hate yourselves, and why do you hate men hate women more than they already do?” Actually, I would just say: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
-
Paul Tergeist says:
This is too easy. And we wonder why these guys hate women. We outht to ask them what they ask women whenever we say “Don’t beat us”, “Don’t mutilate us.” or “Don’t kill us.” We should ask them “Why do you hate women?” As well as: “Why do you hate yourselves, and why do you hate men hate women more than they already do?” Actually, I would just say: “What the fuck is wrong with you?”
-FoilwomanWhat the hell are you on about, you old trout? What the fuck is wrong with you?
-
Paul Tergeist says:
Foilwoman: If you are afraid of being beaten, raped or mutilated there are people, like me, who are qualified to carry concealed firearms in all 50 states; who do not hate women, and who can be contracted to keep said injuries from being inflicted upon your person.
Asking a rapist ‘why do you hate women’ as he is murdering or mutilating you is not an effective defense. There is no “WHY”. These people, like the pedo who was caught today molesting a tiny child and transmitting a live feed of it over the Internet don’t have an answer, or at least they cannot articulate one because there is no excuse for aberrant behavior except psychosis. They simply need to be killed like the terrorists they are during their attempted commission of the crime.
-
Violet says:
Hey, Paul, be nice to my friend Foilwoman.
And for heaven’s sake, she’s talking about the public discourse over feminism, not asking a rapist “why do you hate women” during the commission of the crime.
-
Paul Tergeist says:
But why does she hate men?
-
Paul Tergeist says:
Pastor Teddy update. He is gay after all. (surprise, surprise!)
http://test.denverpost.com/rockies/ci_4607865
The interesting part of this is that the wife, who now knows she has had five children with a homosexual, and that she is merely a ‘beard’ to cover her husband’s gayness, intends to make it all better. I suppose she is going to pray the gay demon out of him.
She hasn’t thought it through yet. Give it a month. The lights will come on.
-
Violet says:
Amazing. The man says he’s been struggling with “dark desires” all his life, but keeps saying he’s not gay. The pastor who commented on the investigation said the truest thing I’ve ever heard an evangelical say:
“(Haggard) is not in touch with truth and reality, and he readily admitted that,” Stockstill said.
Who knew that an evangelical could even tell when someone was out of touch with reality? Being out of touch with reality is sort of a basic requirement of the faith.
-
Dlunch says:
Why do these people have such sympathy for the hypocrites leading them, but so little for any one else?
