Notes on the State of Virginia
There used to be a joke about the heated rivalry between Mississippi and Louisiana: always neck-and-neck for 50th place in whatever was being measured — school funding, road repairs, percentage of citizens with birth certificates and opposable thumbs. In recent years Kansas and South Dakota have made bold moves for the crown, but by God, Virginia is a comer. We are all over those Midwestern wannabees. If you want medieval social values and politics just to the right of the Ayatollah Khomeni, look no further than the Old Dominion, where the United States of America was born:
Item: We are home to not one but two of the most batshit-crazy godbags in the whole world!
Jerry Falwell is in the news today for announcing that Hillary Clinton is scarier than Satan. Considering that Falwell also thinks feminists caused 9-11, this is not surprising.
Our other top-flight godbag, Pat Robertson, hasn’t weighed in yet on the Clinton-Satan issue; he’s probably busy this week with a Hugo Chavez Assassination prayer vigil.
Item: Our incumbent Senator, George ‘macaca’ Allen, is a neo-Nazi!
We already knew about the Confederate flag pin and the noose he kept in his office as governor; now there’s this:
“Allen said he came to Virginia because he wanted to play football in a place where ‘blacks knew their place,’” said Dr. Ken Shelton, a white radiologist in North Carolina who played tight end for the University of Virginia football team when Allen was quarterback. “He used the N-word on a regular basis back then.”
A second white teammate, who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he feared retribution from the Allen campaign, separately claimed that Allen used the word “nigger” to describe blacks. “It was so common with George when he was among his white friends. This is the terminology he used,” the teammate said.
A third white teammate contacted separately, who also spoke on condition of anonymity out of fear of being attacked by the Virginia senator, said he too remembers Allen using the word “nigger,” though he said he could not recall a specific conversation in which Allen used the term. “My impression of him was that he was a racist,” the third teammate said…
…Shelton said he also remembers a disturbing deer hunting trip with Allen on land that was owned by the family of Billy Lanahan, a wide receiver on the team. After they had killed a deer, Shelton said he remembers Allen asking Lanahan where the local black residents lived. Shelton said Allen then drove the three of them to that neighborhood with the severed head of the deer. “He proceeded to take the doe’s head and stuff it into a mailbox,” Shelton said.
No word yet if he continued stuffing deer’s heads into black people’s mailboxes while he was governor, but I wouldn’t be surprised.
10 Responses to “Notes on the State of Virginia”
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manxome says:
Item: As a Virginian I am deeply hurt that you did not include godbag Judie Brown of the American Life League.
(Please tell me there’s something great about this state. I keep forgetting what it must be.)
September 25th, 2006 at 9:37 pm EST -
Violet says:
Ah, yes, Judie Brown. I believe she refers to abortion providers as “pre-natal terrorists.”
The woman is demented.
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richard cherry says:
damn – you mean 9-11 wasn’t the feminists???
so why haven’t we invaded feministan yet? -
Burrow says:
I want a feministan.
Yes you win. I bow down in awe of your craziness.
Bonus: It’s close to North Carolina, which is wonderful.
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richard cherry says:
we haven’t invaded because the bloody patriarchs we give women a country of their own (or even a room of one’s own)
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Rad Geek says:
George Allen is a white supreamcist creep to be sure, but there’s no need to compare him to the neo-Nazis. White supremacist creeps have filled out the political classes of Virginia since 1619. The NSDAP — let alone the Reich revivalists — are a bunch of johnny-come-latelies by comparison.
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richard cherry says:
sorry – crazy and unable to write english – 5 should have read:
‘we haven’t invaded because the bloody patriarchs won’t give women a country of their own (or even a room of one’s own)’
a small but significant typo. well – in a thoroughly insignificant comment. -
Violet says:
I understood your comment even with the typo. I just imagined you were speaking Scots.
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Isobel says:
You are, of course, exempting Northern Virginia from this entry? Do have pity on us. We can’t even vote for President, and even if we do get Allen out of office, the guy we’re hoping to replace him with isn’t much better.(Sent my absentee ballot off last Friday. Even after hearing about gay marriage amendments in other states, it is particularly unpleasant to face one down on your own ballot, especially when your non-straight yourself. Cue the Off-the-Cliff-March.)
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Violet says:
You are, of course, exempting Northern Virginia from this entry? Do have pity on us.
I love NoVa! I lived in D.C. for years.
It’s possible I would feel more kindly towards this state if I really thought of myself as a Virginian, but I don’t. I wasn’t raised here and have spent much of my adult life in Blue America. I still haven’t quite gotten over the shock of moving here.
