White House tips for living
Maybe I’m still woozy from the flu, but the news from Washington seems particularly high in comedic value this week. Yesterday the headlines were full of Donald Rumsfeld telling us that we’re in danger from “a new type of fascism.” Why yes, Don, we are, though I’m surprised you would come right out and admit it like that. Oh wait, he’s talking about somebody else.
Today I learn that Torture President is starting a big speechmaking tour around the country to convince everyone that Iraq is a huge success. This gives me an idea on what to do about that $50 rhododendron I planted in my parents’ yard and then forgot to water so it died: I’ll draft a kickass speech announcing that, all appearances to the contrary, the rhododendron is actually alive, and that what may have looked like my failure to water it was in fact a finely-tuned strategy to coax the shrub into building its own inner strength. I’ll deliver the speech at key locations in the yard, in my parents’ living room, possibly in their kitchen. That’ll do it.
33 Responses to “White House tips for living”
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Mandos says:
Coax…the Shrub…into building its own inner strength…
August 31st, 2006 at 10:53 am EST -
Violet says:
Hey, Mandos, I was just thinking about you! Off-topic, but — remember David Brin? What’s his future gender dystopia that I’m not supposed to read?
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Mandos says:
Glory Season. You’ll hate him.
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Pastor Al E Pistle says:
You had better learn that whatever the President says is right. That disgusting “Shouts and Murmurs” in the August 7-14 edition of the New Yorker is going to prove to be a one way ticket out of town for that Commie author Paul Slansky.
And websites like this http://www.cafepress.com/beatbushgear.18704044
ARE BEING SHUT DOWN AS WE SPEAK! TREASON! SEDITION! IT WON’T BE TOLERATED!
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will says:
I am just sad that VDOT didnt let the President shut down the HOV lanes in Northern Virginia for SEVEN HOURS so Bush could attend a fundraiser for George Allen!
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Violet says:
Damn, I want me a “Cheney-Voldemort ‘08″ bumper sticker. Alas, I live in a part of the world where anti-Shrub sentiments so boldly proclaimed might get one’s car vandalized.
Thanks, Mandos. I don’t plan to read Glory Season; I just wanted to make sure I hadn’t bought it by mistake. The book I got was Earth.
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Violet says:
Will: I was busy being possessed by a demon when that macaca thing happened, which is why I didn’t post on it. The thing that amazes me is that Allen is still alive politically at all. For chrissake, the word is the same as calling someone a n—r, it wasn’t a mistake, he learned it from his Tunisian mother. The guy’s a fucking white supremacist with a Confederate flag fetish.
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Mandos says:
I never read Earth. It didn’t seem really in keeping with why one reads David Brin—for the fantastic panoramas and rather daring ideas. I really recommend the two Uplift trilogies. If nothing else, Startide Rising.
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will says:
“The thing that amazes me is that Allen is still alive politically at all. For chrissake, the word is the same as calling someone a n—r, it wasn’t a mistake, he learned it from his Tunisian mother. The guy’s a fucking white supremacist with a Confederate flag fetish.”
Which is why we need to get people to vote/contribute to Webb!!! He is certainly not a liberal, but he is light years better than Allen.
A “C” beats an “F” every day.
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Infidel says:
Even a “C” can see there is no facism in a terrorist network so disperse and fragmented, however large and lethal, and there is no “front line” that is so often referenced. A more logical approach, one that would have greater effect, is to target anyone who professes a greater knowledge of God’s intent. Kill all the Priests and Pastors and all the Clerics, or if that turns your humanitarian stomach then ship them all off to an island, just get them out of our ears.
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Infidel says:
Real religious freedom must be individually realized or denied but never dictated or followed. Otherwise it isn’t yours- its ours or theirs. Stay the course. To pull out now would invite disaster and blemish the honor of those who gave their lives in the front line. Only most of them were probably blown up by improvised explosive devices while driving to what may or may not turn out to be a “line”. Or ambushed at the discretion of the enemy.
We really need a “line” so let’s engage in a massive war against a country with an army like North Korea or Iran, lets have real lines and waves of troops. Who says conventional warfare is a thing of the past- it wouldn’t be if only we would take the initiative. -
Pastor Al E Pistle says:
Kill all the Priests and Pastors and all the Clerics, or if that turns your humanitarian stomach then ship them all off to an island, just get them out of our ears.
-Infidel, SATAN’S LAPDOG!Forget about your ears! Worry about your COLON, which is infested with DEMONS; your eyelids which are infested with Demodex folliculorum; and your immortal soul which will burn in hell with SATAN’S huge, engorged, barbed member slapping at your backside for eternity!
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Paul Tergeist says:
Terrorists Follow Us Home
Raging Moderate, by Will DurstA lot of trees died in vain as newsprint this week, reporting details of President Bush’s wasted, desperate attempt to float a new trial balloon in his tortured six-year war against logic, reason, gravity and physics. Apparently he’s in need of a new sack of gas to tie his failed Iraqi war plan to. Due to the fact his most recent verbal bag of helium - “stay the course” - has been tossed onto the same discarded pile of shriveled rubber as “dead or alive,” “smoking gun as a mushroom cloud” and “welcomed with flowers and candy.”
He held an hour-long press conference in an elastic attempt to sound reasonable, having about as much success as a rabid, flatulent weasel trying to hide in a half-empty bin of spinach fettuccine at Whole Foods. Trotting out a series of mantras, the president courted the opinion of average Americans who, recent polls say, still retain their admiration for the man for his stick-to-itiveness, though they remain a bit skeptical of his synaptic activity. Much like a man intent on breaking through a brick wall using only his forehead. While you have to admire his persistence you probably don’t want him doing much math.
Experimenting with the calibrated residue of Karl Rove’s extensive hot-air polling of focus groups, Dubyah introduced the new official buzz phrase of the Iraqi occupation: the word “wrong.” Cutting and running is “wrong.” The Democrats are patriotic but “wrong.” Spandex on NFL linemen. Screw Kappa Napa. It’s all just “wrong.” He went on to say if we don’t finish the job in Iraq, the world will see us as quitters and you know what they say about quitters. “Quitters bruise their shins and winners never evacuate and are destined to bloat up like poisoned toads,” or something like that. He wasn’t really clear. As usual.
“There’s a lot of people - good, decent people - saying, ‘Withdraw now.’ They’re wrong,” Bush said. “There are a lot of people in the Democrat Party who believe that the best course of action is to leave Iraq before the job is done, period. And they’re wrong.” Unfortunately, he steadfastly refuses to tell us exactly what job he is talking about. I’m thinking it has to do with developing a falafel-based oil substitute.
He further explained if we leave, the terrorists will follow us home. And if they follow us home, we’ll have to walk them twice a day and feed them and brush them and they’ll need shots and let me tell you right now, they’re sleeping outside, mister. Oh sure, they’re cute when they’re young, but when terrorists grow up, they’re just like animals. Constantly begging for scraps and whimpering because they’re afraid to be left alone. “Allah is watching.” Chewing shoes. Peeing on their prayer rug.
At the end, he waxed weirdly poetic and at the same time loopy. “Sometimes I’m frustrated. Rarely surprised. Sometimes I’m happy, you know. But war is not a time of joy. These aren’t joyous times. These are challenging times and they’re straining the psyche of our country.” And as one who’s had my psyche strained, I have to admit, he’s right. “We’re not leaving so long as I’m the president.” Okay, Mr. President, whatever it takes.
Comic, writer, actor, radio talk show host, social outcast Will Durst is willing to help out the
president any way he can. -
ginmar says:
James Webb? The former secretary of the Navy? The sexist who said women can’t fight? That James Webb? And, look, Will supports him. After all, only womens’ rights are at stake, after all.
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ginmar says:
Nothing like a guy who minimizes Tailhook, too. He’s a Reagan guy, the sort of guy who says, “And, ladies, I’m not blaming anyone, but…sexist bullshit about women working…..”
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Infidel says:
The National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences or NATAS is Satan spelled backwards, whose barbed member I will take in my ethereal buttocks cheeks and lovingly kegel, then with a wisp I would turn and plant my angelic lips upon Satans gorged member until a molten stream of sulfer spews endlessly down my burning throat, and though Satan would like to have me smut, I know the secret to eternal life and I have but to call upon the name, the one name given among men- to be saved. Or send my check to the Landover Baptist Churge.
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Pastor Al E Pistle says:
That story is quite retching until you get to the part about sending a check. At Landover, we have been guaranteeing Salvation(TM) since 1612 and never ONE complaint. Get yours today!
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will says:
My dear friend Ginmar is back. Hi Ginmar!!!
Did you see my comment about Webb being a “C”?
In Virginia, we have two options:
1. George Allen
2. James Webb
If you expect Virginia to elect someone who is liberal, you have not looked at Virginia politics.
Here is Webb’s position:
“He opposes a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage, believes trade agreements should require other nations to improve labor standards and wages, and backs abortion rights as defined by the Supreme Court’s ruling in Roe v. Wade. “I believe the power of the government ends at my front door unless there is a compelling reason to come inside,” he says.”
George Allen:
Allen scored 0% by NARAL on pro-choice voting record.Would you prefer that I support George Allen?
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ginmar says:
You’re a prime example of a guy who’s an advertisement for lesbianism, Will. And your arguments are the same passive stuff. Abortion rights aren’t optional—what do you want, a cookie? Comparing Webb to Allen is just another example of how insincere guys keep the standards for womens’ rights rediculously low. Abortion isn’t optional; it’s survival. That’s not better than Allen: it’s better than nothing and I refuse to accept that better than nothing is an adequate choice to offer women.
Now why don’t you try your usual trick of getting ever so preciously literal.
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will says:
I hate to get so literal on you Ginmar, but so who would you vote for then ginmar?
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ginmar says:
I’m just not going to deal with you when you cop an attitude. I love how you expect candidates to be offered to you rather than getting involved in politics at a far earlier and more basic stage. Then again, it’s not your rights at stake, or the rights of anyone you give a shit about.
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will says:
“You’re a prime example of a guy who’s an advertisement for lesbianism, Will.”
An insult? From you? That is so surprising!
That hurts my feelings Ginmar. I thought we were so close.
If you want laws that you like, you have to elect people who have similar beliefs. I hate to get all technical on you, but the operative word is “similar.”
As I have mentioned to you time and time again, I believe strongly in abortion rights. If you sit passively and do not vote for someone like Webb because he is not perfect, then someone like Allen gets elected. Is that a better world?
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will says:
“love how you expect candidates to be offered to you rather than getting involved in politics at a far earlier and more basic stage. Then again, it’s not your rights at stake, or the rights of anyone you give a shit about.”
hahhahaah clearly you dont know anything about me.
But, if I am the person on whom you express your rage this morning, have at it?
By the way, what exactly have you done for abortion rights? Anything? Anything at all? Have you donated money to any people? Made any sacrifice whatsoever, except demonstrating your anger online?
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Violet says:
Webb is one of those shitty Democrats whom we end up having to vote for because they’re marginally better than the opposition, who in this case is Satan Incarnate (aka George Allen). Webb’s record on women is infuriating and I wish to hell we had a better challenger in this state. But at this point he’s all there is. It’s not a question of supporting him so much as just voting out that freak Allen. I don’t know, ginmar, what would you do? You’re right that we need better Democratic candidates in the first place, but once the die is cast and somebody like Webb is the only alternative to Allen…?
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will says:
You’re a prime example of a girl who’s an advertisement for lesbianism, Violet.
No wait.
You’re a prime example of a girl who’s an advertisement for heterosexuality, Violet.
No wait.
Your posts do not impact my personal sexuality at all. That’s what I meant to say.
The first step is prevent the election of people who are fundamentally, vehemently opposed to the positions that you value. The next step is to elect people who are sympathetic to the positions that you value. Often, this involves coalition building. Otherwise, you risk standing in the rain under your very, very small tent, by yourself.
I would be thrilled if James Webb was the Republican candidate and the Democrats had someone more liberal. Absolutely thrilled.
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ginmar says:
Violet, I’ve been fighting this shit for years. This is the end game after years of apathy. It didn’t just get down to Webb and Allen suddenly. This was years in the making. Webb’s still refusing to answer questions about his beliefs about women, and if his past is any guide he’s as sexist as Allen is racist. The Dems in Virginia deserve to lose for running a guy like that. Are there no liberals in that state or what? I’d vote independant, and tell the Dems exactly why.
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will says:
Webb supports Roe v. Wade.
Allen is strongly opposed to Roe v. Wade.
So you want to show the Democrats how you feel by allowed Allen to get reelected and place greater restrictions on abortion?
Those Democrats will really learn their lesson!!
The lesson will be that being anti-choice gets you elected.
Sounds like a great plan Ginmar.
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will says:
“Violet, I’ve been fighting this shit for years.”
Ginmar:
Remind me again exactly how you have been fighting this shit? I am curious what your actions are.
Who have you contributed or raised money for?
What organizations have you done voter drives for?
Have you had any success? Who have you helped elected in all of your years of fighting?
You know who is fighting hard and creating coalitions? Do you know who has been getting out the vote? The far right wing along with the moderate right wing.
Have you done anything to combat the far right wing? Or do you just prefer fighting with those who are more sympathetic to your positions?
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Violet says:
The Dems in Virginia deserve to lose for running a guy like that. Are there no liberals in that state or what? I’d vote independant, and tell the Dems exactly why.
I hear you. And if it were just a matter of showing the Democrats that we aren’t going to take their lame-ass sexist faux-Republican candidates anymore, then I’d agree. I’d vote independent and tell ‘em why. But there are a few reasons why in this case I plan to vote for Webb:
1. We need every single Democrat in the Senate we can get at this point.
2. George Allen is far worse than Webb — he’s not just racist and sexist, he’s insane. He’s got the scruples of Bush and the ideology of your worst godbag nightmare. As someone memorably said about Bush in 2004, I’d vote for a ham sandwich over this guy.
3. George Allen has dangerous Presidential ambitions and must be stopped. Must be. He would be another Bush, only worse.Of course this is the kind of situation we keep getting into with the Democrats, and more and more I’m glad people are saying fuck you to the party, give us real candidates. But in this particular election I’m going to have to hold my nose and vote for Webb.
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ginmar says:
The Dems have been doing this for years, trying to appease people instead of lead them. They’re like the hubbie who whines that he just didn’t notice the dirt, and leaves the wife to clean it up. She has to accept either a dirty house and the social condemnation that comes with it while he gets to play the victim. Either way, the wife loses. When all that’s available is a divorce for wihch she might not be prepared or a marriage that grows increasingly insufferable. The Dems have been shortchanging women for years, and we haven’t been fighting it hard enough.
That’s a whole ‘nother subject. Violet, you do what you have to. I know you’ve been fighting this for years. I’ve been scaring my local Dems for years, and it’s been instructive. We need to remake politics, and we need to stop accepting crap politicians and crap choices.
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Pastor Al E Pistle says:
ginmar says:
“Violet, I’ve been fighting this shit for years.”Babbling to your rug-munching friends is not ‘fighting’. What you mean is that you have been blowing hot air for years, complaining about it, and wondering why nothing gets done. Because you are too lazy to break away from Dr. Phil long enough to organize political reform. Now it’s too late. The country is doomed.
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love2all says:
“Of course the people don’t want war. But after all, it’s the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it’s always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it’s a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger.”
– Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials
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Violet says:
love2all, that is one of my favorite quotes. God help me that one of my favorite quotes is from a Nazi, but it’s just so fucking perfect. I want it to be read out loud on the TV news every night. No need to study Thucydides; this one paragraph from Goering tells you everything you need to know.
