Ding dong, the witch is dead

Saturday, August 19th, 2006 · 24 Comments »

Hi!
Your host, The Virus.

Greetings, humans!

Last night, as I was lying in bed waiting for Socks to die, I began planning my first post as the new owner of the blog. I wondered how it would go — would people welcome me? would they resent me for killing Socks? — so you can imagine how encouraged I felt when I went to the computer today and saw that people had already anticipated my debut and were actually waiting for me to appear. Cool! So, here’s the new plan for the blog:

Less feminism, less politics, more posts on Mass Murderers in Viral History. First up: Jonas Salk. What was with that guy? What motivates a person to want to kill millions of innocent viruses? Was it his upbringing? A bad mother? Repressed homosexuality? Discuss.

I’m hoping you’ll all enjoy the new focus. I’m probably not quite as snappy a writer as Socks, but she’s dead* so who cares.

*Almost.

Filed under: Reclusive Leftist · Tags:

24 Responses to “Ding dong, the witch is dead”

  1. Chris says:

    Where are all the bacillus bloggers?

  2. Timothy Shortell says:

    Wait a minute! I don’t think viruses have fingers. How is The Virus typing?

  3. richard cherry says:

    must be a computer virus

  4. Mandos says:

    As VS clearly said in her last post, she was battling the virus for control over her physical host. It appears that the virus is winning that battle and has joined us here. Welcome, virus!

    I agree with you completely, by the way. Salk, what a grotesque jackass. A genocidalist any way you put it.

  5. The Virus says:

    Thanks for the welcome, Mandos!

    Got the author image changed. Do you think I look fat in that picture?

  6. Mandos says:

    Nope, you are very virusy.

  7. will says:

    Clearly you are a total slut based on your picture.

    I’ll bet you jump on any host that clicks near you.

  8. Mandos says:

    Come to think of it, I find it shocking that no one has built a memorial and a museum to poor eradicated smallpox.

    Humanity, what did innocent smallpox ever do to you???

  9. Mandos says:

    Wait a minute. It says “your host, the Virus”. But a virus cannot be a host. It is the mostly unhostly thing there is on Earth.

    Say…”your honoured houseguest, the Virus” or something like that.

  10. The Virus says:

    It says “your host, the Virus”. But a virus cannot be a host.

    In real life, that’s true, which is precisely why I find it so piquant that I am now the “host” of a blog. The choice of wording was deliberate.

  11. gordo says:

    Virus–

    I’ve always wondered about the state of viral/bacterial relations. Do the two groups get along at all? The symptoms you cause are often quite similar, so it’s hard to believe all the talk about enmity between the microbes.

    Also, is there any truth to the idea that bacteria and viruses should never mate, as the offspring will be rejected by viruses, bacteria, AND the host organism?

  12. appletree » Blog Archive » Dr. Violent Socks’ Ailing Inspires Mixed Emotions says:

    [...] I just checked over at Reclusive Leftist, and found that Dr. Violent Socks, and her blog, have been completely taken over by a virus. The situation has me torn. [...]

  13. Mandos says:

    Clearly, viruses and bacteria do not get along. I mean, bacteria are prey to viral bacteriophages.

  14. Mandos says:

    O Virus, what is your opinion on the controversy about whether viruses are “living things”?

    http://www.biologie.uni-hamburg.de/b-online/e21/21.htm

    Is this “karyonism” at work?

  15. KC says:

    Where do viruses stand on bikini waxing, and what do you wax?

  16. gordo says:

    Mandos–

    Certainly, viruses and bacteria will fight in the wild. But I hear that if they’re raised together from conception, they get along just fine.

  17. Mandos says:

    Until one hijacks the other’s reproductive apparatus…

    …hey, what pronouns are we supposed to use for the Virus anyway?

  18. richard cherry says:

    an organism that invades a woman’s body and hijacks her forum for self-expression…hmmmm let’s think…I’m guessing ‘he’ might be appropriate

  19. Violet says:

    Temporarily getting control of the typing fingers for a minute here to thank all of you for your kind wishes.

  20. Pastor Al E Pistle says:

    SO! You homers are still babbling about nothing while JESUS is returning with a sword in His mouth to start Armegeddon, eh?

    I see that He almost smited Dr. Socks in His infinite Mercy, but SATAN pulled her back at the last second because she still has not accepted Ann Coulter’s challenge to mud wrestle.

    The reason I am slumming on this nice evening is that I remember Socks being a circus performer at one time. While I have a plethora of circus jokes that would leave all of you standing in puddles of pee, my mission is serious.

    I am trying to find out exactly WHEN the City of Boulder hired the Police Department and District Attorney away from Barnum and Baily and what kind of clowns replaced them?

    Friends, if you can help me, I would certainly appreciate it. You see, if I can answer the question before anyone else, I can get a free first-class plane ticket from Bangkok to LA.

  21. Violet says:

    Pastor Pistle! You’re back! I’m so happy to see you. It’s a gift from God!

  22. Pastor Al E Pistle says:

    I have been telling you sodomites for years that the end times are upon us! Instead of the respect I deserve, I get the raspberies, but this time I HAVE PROOF.. The archbishop of Canterbury has publicly endorsed a new Bible entitled “Good as New”. I though this was a joke, but it isn’t.
    Here is a typical review from http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=39183

    This translation turns all “demon possession” into “mental illness.”

    It renames the “Son of Man,” or Jesus, “the Complete Person.”

    Parables are rendered “riddles.”

    To baptize is to “dip” in water.

    “Salvation” becomes “healing” or “completeness.”

    “Heaven” is “the world beyond time and space.”

    But it gets worse when you see this nonsense in context.

    Take, for example, Mark 1:4. The King James Version reads: “John did baptize in the wilderness, and preach the baptism of repentance for the remission of sins.”

    The “Good as New” version?

    “John, nicknamed ‘The Dipper,’ was ‘The Voice.’ He was in the desert, inviting people to be dipped, to show they were determined to change their ways and wanted to be forgiven.”

    The KJV translation of Mark 1:10-11 reads: “And straightway coming up out of the water, he saw the heavens opened, and the Spirit like a dove descending upon him. And there came a voice from the heaven saying, Thou art my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.”

    The “Good as New” version?

    “As he was climbing up the bank again, the sun shone through a gap in the clouds. At the same time a pigeon flew down and perched on him. Jesus took this as a sign that God’s spirit was with him. A voice from overhead was heard saying, ‘That’s my boy! You’re doing fine!’”

    The KJV translation of Matthew 23:25 reads: “Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites!”

    The “Good as New” version?

    “Take a running jump, Holy Joes, humbugs!”

    The KJV translation of Matthew 26:69-70 reads: “Now Peter sat without in the palace: and a damsel came unto him, saying, ‘Thou also wast with Jesus of Galilee.’ But he denied before them all, saying, I know not what thou sayest.”

    The “Good as New” version?

    “Meanwhile Rocky was still sitting in the courtyard. A woman came up to him and said: ‘Haven’t I seen you with Jesus, the hero from Galilee?” Rocky shook his head and said: ‘I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!’”

    The KJV translation of 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 reads: “Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: [It is] good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.”

    The “Good as New” version?

    “Some of you think the best way to cope with sex is for men and women to keep right away from each other. That is more likely to lead to sexual offences. My advice is for everyone to have a regular partner.”

    The KJV translation of 1 Corinthians 7:8-7 reads: “I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.”

    The Good as New” version?

    “If you know you have strong needs, get yourself a partner. Better than being frustrated.”

    I know it seems like a joke, yet Williams, the head of the Church of England, says this new translation has “extraordinary power.” He says he hopes it will spread “in epidemic profusion through religious and irreligious alike.”

    If it does, which I doubt, it will be for one reason: This Bible translation is designed to make sinners feel better about themselves and what they do. It is designed to take the focus off of God’s eternal and inerrant Word and raise the self-esteem of people who don’t want to know better. It is designed to blur the distinctions between right and wrong in a world that rejects the notion of absolutes.

    *******************
    Friends, if THIS doesn’t bring JESUS back, He isn’t coming! GET READY FOR THE RAPTURE. AFTER THAT, IT’S ASSHOLES AND ELBOWS FOR A THOUSAND YEARS! I warned you to repent and now it’s too late. Enjoy SATAN’S HUGE, ENGORGED, BARBED MEMBER SLAPPING AT YOUR BACKSIDES FOR ETERNITY, SINNERS!

    PRAISE!

  23. Mandos says:

    “smited”

    It’s “smote”, dude.

  24. Pastor Al E Pistle says:

    Dear disgusting rump ranger Mandy. Thank you for your faulty opinion for which you shall spend eternity bobbing for sulphur in Fire Lake.

    I prefer the word ‘smited’ which has a mellifluous and lovely flow about it, bringing to mind a picture of the LORD JESUS hacking off the heads of unbelievers and making the rivers run red with their blood while His faithful followers stand about in rapt adoration; whereas ‘smote’ sounds like serving ice cream in a dirty ashtray.