Why Jewish penis is better than Christian penis

Thursday, June 1st, 2006 · 43 Comments »

Because, according to a medieval rabbi named Isaac ben Yedaiah, a circumcised man is more likely to ejaculate prematurely, thus conserving his strength for God and leaving the woman sexually frustrated — which is a good thing:

[A beautiful woman] will court a man who is uncircumcised in the flesh and lie against his breast with great passion, for he thrusts inside her a long time because of the foreskin, which is a barrier against ejaculation in intercourse. Thus she feels pleasure and reaches an orgasm first. When an uncircumcised man sleeps with her and then resolves to return to his home, she brazenly grasps him, holding on to his genitals and says to him, “Come back, make love to me.” This is because of the pleasure that she finds in intercourse with him, from the sinews of his testicles–sinew of iron–and from his ejaculation–that of a horse–which he shoots like an arrow into her womb. They are united without separating and he makes love twice and three times in one night, yet the appetite is not filled. And so he acts with her night after night. The sexual activity emaciates him of his bodily fat and afflicts his flesh and he devotes his brain entirely to women, an evil thing…

But when a circumcised man desires the beauty of a woman, and cleaves to his wife, or to another woman comely in appearance, he will find himself performing his task quickly, emitting his seed as soon as he inserts the crown…He has an orgasm first; he does not hold back his strength. As soon as he begins intercourse with her, he immediately comes to a climax. She has no pleasure from him when she lies down or when she arises and it would be better for her if he had not known her…, for he arouses her passion to no avail and she remains in a state of desire for her husband, ashamed and confounded, while the seed is still in her “reservoir.” She does not have an orgasm once a year, except on rare occasions, because of the great heat and the fire burning within her. Thus he who says “I am the Lord’s” will not empty his brain because of his wife or the wife of his friend. He will find grace and good favor; his heart will be strong to seek out God.

I’m personally acquainted only with penises of the godly circumcised variety, but damn! After reading this I’m tempted to give those ungodly versions a try!

I do wonder how Rabbi Isaac found out about the iron testicles and horse-like ejaculations of the Christians.

P.S. Also: poor Mrs. Isaac. Bad enough to have your man a jump-starter, but on top of that for him to transform his inferiority complex into hating you, and then work up some bogus shit about how not being able to last for more than 15 seconds means he’s Mr. “I am the Lord’s.” Oh, man.

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43 Responses to “Why Jewish penis is better than Christian penis”

  1. will says:

    “Penises”?!?! You’ve been with other men?

    I guess that this is where the phrase “Always leave them wanting more” came from.

  2. Violet says:

    “Penises”?!?! You’ve been with other men?

    Well, there was Steve.

    You know, I have read that uncircumcised men actually have more sensitivity, not less, and thus it seems they would be the ones more likely to ejaculate prematurely. I don’t know which to believe: modern sex writers or a 13th century rabbi. It’s difficult.

  3. will says:

    I cannot offer any insight into that area.

    You should conduct a scientific study.

  4. Violet says:

    Oh, come on — you who have slept with hundreds of women? Each of whom has no doubt slept with hundreds of men? Didn’t you ever ask? I mean, geez, what good is it spending every night trawling the Richmond sex clubs if you can’t answer a simple question like this?

  5. will says:

    I do not know have any idea what you are talking about. What kind of man do you think I am anyway!?!??!

    Those sex clubs are filled with Republicans. Do you think I want to ruin my good name by hanging out with them?

  6. Mandos says:

    Richmond has clubs? I assume we’re talking about Richmond, VA, right?

  7. Violet says:

    Yeah, Will and I live in Virginia, though of course we won’t tell each other where.

    I’ve been doing a Google search on the whole cut/uncut thing (which is better than thinking about the news or my writing), and I still think the rabbi was wrong. Seems like circumcised men last longer.

    I wish straight men compared notes with each other, but of course then the homo cooties would eat them alive and they’d just explode from gay disease.

  8. Mandos says:

    In the case of Rabbi Isaac, he wasn’t just comparing notes, he’s giving notes, though—so it may not be that much of an improvement.

    So both of you live in Virginia. That explains a lot. Virginia is for lovers…

  9. Violet says:

    Weird anecdote: This morning I told Will I was going to do a post on “cheerful penises” to cheer myself up. As a lark I did a Google search for “cheerful penis,” and one of the first results was a news story about a teenage boy in Singapore who committed suicide because he thought his penis was too small. (No, thankfully it wasn’t Alon.)

  10. Mandos says:

    Huh. I’m guessing that there’s more to that suicide than that, though. Huh. Sad.

  11. belledame222 says:

    Somewhat tangentially, isn’t there a delusion/obsession that’s common enough in Japan that it has a name (which I’ve forgotten)? the belief that one’s penis is shrinking and will disappear?

  12. gordo says:

    I’m so glad you posted this. I thought there was something wrong with my technique. Now I know that my problem stems from my circumcision.

  13. Violet says:

    Ah, are you “of the Lord” too, Gordo?

    By the way, I’m still waiting to find out if Will is Christian or Jewish below the belt.

  14. Infidel says:

    What is a moyl? Does circumcisions on Jews no? Sooo what the fuck are we talking about?

  15. will says:

    VS:

    You didnt get all those pictures I emailed you?

  16. Violet says:

    Those were only from the waist up!

  17. Paul Tergeist says:

    HA! You have happy penis envy! In other news, the feminists finally have another hero beside Ellen and wazzername. http://feministing.com/archives/005123.html

    Lipstick Lizzies unite!

  18. Steve says:

    A wonderful change of pace from the usual Socks topics. I mean, how could I not love coming home and finding out that I have a swell penis. I’ve always kind of liked it, to the tell the truth, but now that Vi has finally acknowledged its primacy, well I’m one happy fella.

    Seriously, this has always been the kind of talmudic gibberish that could turn this Jew into a Catholic. Problem is, I’d get another version of gibberish and Id have to give up my much honored Jewish shlong.

  19. Paul Tergeist says:

    For God’s sake, Steve! Put that thing back in it’s thimble and stop crowing about it! It is embarrassing to me and the other members of the Big Dick Club when you wag your shortcomings at Violet.

  20. Steve says:

    Paul:

    I referred not to any self proclaimed size but to the the suggestion that my religious affiliation had somehow given me an edge.

    And remember, Vi and I have never met.

  21. Paul Tergeist says:

    Oh, please! Don’t try to switch trains midway across the ocean. The readership here is not that easily fooled! “Swell penis” indeed! Pah.

  22. Alon Levy says:

    On the one hand, it means I can blame my parents for the fact that Katie didn’t orgasm. On the other, it means I can’t tell myself I’ll just improve with practice.

  23. Mandos says:

    Ewww. Too much information, Alon.

  24. gordo says:

    Mandos–

    After reading this:

    “This is because of the pleasure that she finds in intercourse with him, from the sinews of his testicles–sinew of iron–and from his ejaculation–that of a horse–which he shoots like an arrow into her womb.”

    Alon’s comment seemed rather modest.

  25. Mandos says:

    Yeah, but Rabbi Isaac is dead.

  26. Alon Levy says:

    So it’s even worse – then it’s zombie sex.

  27. Steve says:

    You guys will get a kick out of this. There actually is a movement of men who, believing that their own circumcision was a brutal desecration of their organ, something that has negatively affected their sexual sensitivity, engage in all sorts of exercises to recreate the foreskin.

    http://www.cirp.org/pages/restore.html

  28. Infidel says:

    Peasants couldn’t read. This Rabbi clearly was an early member of the Jewish Conspiracy trying to derail Kings and lords by tweeking thier patriarchal, mysogynist, megalomaniacal, arrogant, sensitivities. Otherwise he would have drawn big nosed men with long penises juxtaposed with arians and their little members, in murals, tapestry, and stained glass windows.

  29. Violet says:

    Steve in 27: What goes around comes around. Jews in the hellenistic era were mortified by their exposed glans (which the Greeks and Romans regarded as obscene). Made it very embarrassing at the gyms and the baths. So foreskin restoration was very popular. Really just weights on the existing skin to make something like a foreskin, but I’ll spare you the details.

    We’re so used to circumcision in the U.S. that surveys show most American women are a little alarmed by the prospect of an uncircumcised penis. It’s the opposite in Europe, where they don’t circumcise as a rule.

  30. Steve says:

    Weights???

    OUCHHHHHHHH!!!!

  31. love2all says:

    I prefer Atheist penis myself. Much less hesitation and none of the guilt afterward.

    Oh. Was that TMI too?

  32. Infidel says:

    My penis is so cute. When it gets cold out the exposed glans rolls up into the remaining skin trying to get cuddly warm. It kinda hurts- but it is oh so cute.

  33. will says:

    Since you are so curious: I’ve been under the knife.

    But, you probably know that already.

  34. Violet says:

    Since you are so curious: I’ve been under the knife.

    Oh, good — now I don’t have to be apprehensive about starting up our cult. On the downside, I won’t get to experience the iron sinews and horse ejaculations.

  35. will says:

    I’m sure we can still work something out.

  36. Infidel says:

    GET A ROOM

  37. You Know Who says:

    If you look at recent porn you’ll notice uncircumscised(sp) men in them. Some reason chicks like it. Maybe if it’s more sensitive and then maybe the hook got sharper and the sinker got smarter, but the fish got dumber.

  38. Violet says:

    If most porn had any relation at all to what women want (and I assume by “chicks” you mean women), then the first half of your comment might make sense. But it doesn’t, and it doesn’t.

    The second half of your comment is unintelligible no matter what.

  39. Steve says:

    Why is it that when any man pretends to know what “chicks” want, I run for the hills?

    “Chicks?” Geez Louise, this guy must have escaped from a Saturday Night Live sketch.

    The last time I heard women called “chicks” was just after I last heard them called “broads.”

    I’d celebrate this fact, were it not for the fact that “bitch” seems to be the current preferred term. And worse.

  40. cicely says:

    Unfortunately ‘chicks’ is still frequently used in my part of the world, by men and grown women alike. I flinch every time I hear it, which is most often on tv since people I know don’t use the word, but what can you do? Recently I read a blog comment in which a woman was making very positve gender-role challenging remarks I was happy to see (because I’ve seen so many shitty un-informed, accusatory of gender-role conforming ones) about her close friend who is a transwoman. Then she wrote something like ‘she’s just another chick, very much like me’. Ouch. Then I saw my negative response to the word as kind of superficial to the larger, deeper scheme of things. I don’t expect I’ll ever lose my aversion to it but I’m going to at least try and remember to keep it in perspective.

  41. Jim Deeny says:

    Sorry, I was coming into this a little late. I thought the foreskin was taken off so some bible character could tell who his army was? So they all did it in his army. I thought about getting mine taken off to see if I would have the same feeling, but ther’d be not turning back. I still call them chicks Violet. Plus, lastnight when I made that post I was 1/2 wat zooted, so luckily, I was able to recall the last time I did that here and you blasted me for it. So, I gave you the respect and I took it upon myself to wait until the Captain and me settle down.

  42. Violet says:

    Jim, you’re not keeping your stories straight. You’re supposed to be Jewish, remember?

  43. Jim Deeny says:

    What’s foreskin have to do with religion these days. My fathers side is Jewish, and my mothers side is Cherokee. I’m not a practicing Jew. Although, I did watch one day, my father and grandpa make copper wire, they were fighting over a this penny.