The Fury of the Preacher’s Wife: my only question is what took her so long
The rubes in Selmer, Tennessee, just can’t figure it out. Mary Winkler, wife of preacher Matthew Winkler, up and murdered her husband. Shot him in the back, then drove off with the kids.
“She was the perfect wife and mother,” say the rubes. She was a stay-at-home mom, utterly domestic, completely devoted to her marriage, her children, and her husband’s ministry. She would even make lunch for her husband and bring it to him at the church. She and Matthew were just the picture of happiness.
What could possibly have been wrong?
Matthew Winkler was the preacher at the local Church of Christ. Church of Christ is one of those fundie evangelical outfits that take a hard line on women’s proper place in the scheme of things. Women are excluded from preaching, of course, and also from involvement in church business. Wives must obey their husbands. Fathers are central in the family because — as one website explains — the father is the child’s first impression of God. Some of the more avant-garde Church of Christ congregations are toying with the radical notion that outside of marriage, it might be okay for some women to have authority over some men, but those are the bleeding-edge extremists.
There’s no evidence that the Winklers were anywhere near that bleeding edge. Matthew Winkler was an enthusiastic preacher of “straight-by-the-Bible” sermons. In fact, he seems to have been relentlessly enthusiastic about everything. Even his parishioners admit that Matthew was just so goddamn cheerful and effusive all the time, it was exhausting. None of them actually use the phrase “shit-eating grin,” but I would bet cash money they’ve thought it.
Mary, in contrast, was quiet and distinctly non-effusive. She went about her business looking happy — I’m imagining a frozen smile fixed in place — and giving no hint that she was contemplating buying Matthew a ticket on the early train to glory. Only the tiniest ripples broke her placid surface: there was that miscarriage and subsequent depression a couple of years ago, and one acquaintance thinks she might have been a bit lonely in Selmer. Matthew, of course, was as enthusiastically happy about everything as ever.
Or was he? One neighbor reports a different side of Matthew: controlling, peremptory. This was a man who’d been raised to believe he was God’s own viceroy on earth. He came from a long line of prominent preachers in the Church of Christ. The folks in Selmer thought the sun rose and set on him (aside from that whole shit-eating grin thing). His parents reacted to his death by thanking God for giving them the privilege of serving as his parents. Twenty bucks says he was one insufferable self-satisfied jackass of a husband.
Perhaps Mary tried to cope with her hidden resentment — for surely something led to that giant blast of gunpowder — by frequenting the online discussion boards for traditional Christian women. If you have a strong stomach and a high threshold for rage, I recommend surfing those forums some time. (I haven’t in a couple of years, so I don’t have any links handy.) Those women are absolutely climbing the walls. As I recall, the common topics are all variations on the theme of mandatory wifely submission:
1. How can I do a better job of submitting?
2. Why is submitting so hard?
3. Do I have to submit gracefully when I know my husband is wrong?
4. Can we learn to love submitting instead of struggling with it?
5. God’s plan for wives: submitting!
The ensuing discussions never seem to broach the possibility that this whole submission business is totally fucked-up and unfair. There’s not a breath of feminism. Instead of complaining about having to submit to men, the women vent their frustration by complaining about other women who don’t toe the line. Particular targets for resentment are those wives who claim to be submissive but are suspected of bossing their husbands in private or – even worse – making plays for self-aggrandizement in public. There is no better illustration of the way patriarchy pits women against each other.
I recall one discussion in which a woman reported that her husband had complained about her drab, unsexy clothes. This struck the woman as rather unfair, since she worked about 18 hours a day cleaning up after her asswipe spouse and home-schooling their three brats, and he sure as hell didn’t seem to be going out of his way to look attractive as he sat on the couch swilling beer and watching American Idol. Nevertheless, the discussion that followed revolved around how it was this woman’s Christian duty to stifle any “prideful” resentment and take her husband’s lordly guidance to heart.
It’s enough to drive a woman to murder.
You see, unlike the rubes in Selmer, I’m not bewildered at all by Mary Winkler’s eruption into homicidal fury. What bewilders me, in fact, is that the newspapers aren’t chock full of Bible Belt women blasting their lords and masters to kingdom come. Put a woman in a box, teach her that her only value is as a submissive wife and mother, and ram into her skull that no matter what, her husband’s word is law. Make it psychologically and socially impossible for her to rebel. Cut off any avenue of escape. Then saddle her with a shit-eating-grin of a man who’s Mr. Sunshine in public, Mr. Perfect, Mr. Everybody’s Golden Boy – and who’s Mr. Do-What-I-Say-Goddammit in private. Now watch that woman boil. Watch her simmer and seethe and finally blow. Watch her pick up the shotgun, take aim, and wipe that shit-eating grin off her husband’s face once and for all.
*****
[tags]Winkler[/tags]
35 Responses to “The Fury of the Preacher’s Wife: my only question is what took her so long”
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Pastor Pistle says:
While it is true that women must submit to their husbands in most cases, I was waiting for this subject (the Winklers) to come up.
We Baptists believe that Pastor Winkler was spun up a bit too tightly, was probably diddling the children, and the evidence will show that she had every reason to pop a cap in his ass.
Sadly, this will not result in her release, and she will spend many years in prison while her children are shuffled between foster homes and abused even more.
It is our official opinion that some people need killing, and that reason should (as it used to be in Texas), be a valid defense.
March 27th, 2006 at 2:18 am EST -
Pastor Pistle says:
Of course if I’m wrong and the crazy woman was just having her monthly mad cow disease, she deseves to hang.
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Violet says:
Pastor, I won’t be surprised if it turns out Matthew was abusing his daughters. Most fundies are so hypocritcal and fucked up I wouldn’t put a damn thing past ‘em.
The point of my post, though, was that even if there was no hidden abuse, Mary’s “perfect” life sounds pretty damn hellish to me. Women like that are under enormous psychological stress, and they have no place to go with it. Stepford is a tough place to live if you’re a woman.
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will says:
Good post. I get the impression that he was an intolerable ass at home as well.
Shooting him is clearly not the answer. But I will admit to feeling sorry for her and not much sorrow for him.
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Pastor Pistle says:
Most fundies are so hypocritcal and fucked up I wouldn’t put a damn thing past ‘em.
Violet (heretic) SocksMissy, you are about to get on “the” list along with this foolish woman who had the temerity to post her opinion on the church bulletin board:
“I vote that a christer will stink in any capacity.”
-Sue VeraThe Department of Faith has been given all of the money originally budgeted for the Veteran’s Administration in order to keep track of people like you. Veterans, like women, are disposable once they have served their purpose.
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Steve says:
My bet is that — as the facts emerge — Vi will pretty damn close to a bullseye in explaining what happened. These were my first thoughts. In fact, I’d put money on it.
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Jim Deeny says:
One would think that before you get married to someone like this you’d look at the future ahead of her. Maybe she didn’t know, but the incentives (alimony & child support etc.) were there to get divorced early on if she wanted out of the marriage. I think she was naive in what’s up in todays day and age and they where feminism has led women the last 40 years beginning with Alice Paul. I don’t have no symapthy for her, but for the children she didn’t think of before she murdered her husband. Seems like women can murder children, unborns and husbands and they’ll always be an excuse for it. My wife is expecting in 4 weeks, if I dissapear someone find out where she was that night.
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flawedplan says:
I’m impressed that you read those fundie websites and obviously care about these women, they are hostages, and you can see something bad coming, but there’s no talking to them, or at least I don’t know how.
Any woman who doesn’t see something of herself in those websites is lying, I know I’d rather have a conversation with one of those housewives than the self-proclaimed social activists for who they remain invisible, insignificant, worthless and all the rest of what it means to be a woman under patriarchy. You didn’t make her the “other”, you have heart, good, that’s decent reading there. -
Txfeminist says:
“Submission” of the type expected of Ms.Winkler is a potential volcano.
In one of the original articles I read on this, it did say she’d alleged abuse.
Not like I was, you know, surprised or anything.
Those poor kids.
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Txfeminist says:
flawed plan:
http://abigails.org/a-studypage.htm
http://www.usccb.org/laity/help.shtml
Selected Resources for DV Advocates & Faith Communities
to name a few.
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Violet says:
In one of the original articles I read on this, it did say she’d alleged abuse.
Interesting. I wrote this post last night (Sunday), and as of then I couldn’t find any reports of abuse allegations. Nothing at all.
What actually moved me to write the post was the constant refrain in all the coverage of what a “perfect” life they had. Perfect? It’s like reporting on some woman in the Middle East who’s not allowed outside the house without a bag over her head and saying she and her husband have a “perfect” marriage. The difference is only in degree, not kind. Any society where one half of the human race is considered inferior to the other half, where marriage is predicated on the assumption that one person has to obey the other person — that’s not a society where the word “perfect” can ever describe a marriage.
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Txfeminist says:
Too true.
I am suspicious of polarities, anyway. “Perfect” on the outside often houses rot on the inside.
Now I’m gonna have to try to remember where I read that- I’d be very interested to discover (but again, not surprised) they had pulled any reference to abuse after the first wash.
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Jim Deeny says:
comment #11, third paragraph
Perfect post Violet on perfect, that’s so true!
I was just watching with my lovely wife on TV a show called “Who’s Wedding is it Anyway”, and I saw something that reminded me of what feminism and all it stands for, the bride. Yes, she looked SOOOOOO passive from the bridal shower to the alter. It was real freaky and I just wish at one moment I could just reach through that TV scream “You idiot!”Come to think of it, you never really see a marriage that’s really balanced, at least I don’t. It’s either the one or the other dominates and somewhere down the line someone takes the choice to be with that person as a comfort zone or the best they can get. How on earth can someone be happy before their happy with themselves? What kind of goals and expectations do they set for themselves anyway?
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Vinnie Vespisti says:
The ensuing discussions never seem to broach the possibility that this whole submission business is totally fucked-up and unfair. There’s not a breath of feminism. Instead of complaining about having to submit to men, the women vent their frustration by complaining about other women who don’t toe the line. Particular targets for resentment are those wives who claim to be submissive but are suspected of bossing their husbands in private or – even worse – making plays for self-aggrandizement in public. There is no better illustration of the way patriarchy pits women against each other.
-V. SocksIt seems to Vinnie that women who dumbly submit like cattle being led to slaughter are just stupid. Does being a female automatically make one stupid? Because if not, they can and should think for themselves. Does being reared in a very religious household make one stupid? Vinnie doesn’t know but will say the rosary just in case.
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Lisa says:
This is EXACTLY why I’m not Catholic anymore. Or Christian. Or ANY religion. Male-dominated religion just needs to NOT exist anymore. The one thing in my life that has caused me more pain than anything else is religion and I’m sooooooooooooo (can you say SOOOOOOO) much happier!
That said, my parents and in-laws are still freakishly religious. We have a tense peace… if they don’t bug me about religion and how I’m surely damned to hell, we get along. It’s that simple.
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Jim Deeny says:
I believe that there’s a higher person than I somewhere out there, hav’nt found her yet in the language of religion, but I would be safe to say finding my equal mate in life is probably the closest I will come to that.
It’s not the whole ceremony thing that we made pretty much public, but it’s more about looking into one anothers eyes and just knowing.
Damn…..this absinthe is really good Violet.
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Violet says:
Does being reared in a very religious household make one stupid?
Kinda seems that way, doesn’t it? But there are escapees, like Lisa, and I’m always overjoyed when somebody breaks free of that crap. I think the trick is to get away before your brain completely rots.
“Perfect” on the outside often houses rot on the inside.
Exactly, Tx. When I left my husband (this was ages ago, when I was a young sock) the family was shocked, shocked! We had such a perfect marriage! We were so happy! HA! Marriage is a veil that comes down between a couple and the world, and nobody really knows what goes on behind it.
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will says:
“Exactly, Tx. When I left my husband (this was ages ago, when I was a young sock) the family was shocked, shocked! We had such a perfect marriage! We were so happy! HA! Marriage is a veil that comes down between a couple and the world, and nobody really knows what goes on behind it.”
Amen Sisters Socks and Tx! I had the same situation. (With a wife of course.)
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foilwoman says:
I have to agree with Violet. Most people react to news of impending divorce with “I didn’t know you were having any problems.” People want to see couples as happy, and couples want to see themselves as happy. Even in a fairly liberated environment, it’s hard to find the strength to pick up and leave.
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flawedplan says:
A shout out to TxFeminist, thank you so much for taking the time to share those resources, I read them this morning and am glad to learn this population is being seen and addressed by the helping profession.
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Txfeminist says:
Yr welcome. :-) glad to be of assistance.
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Jolie says:
I went to a conference last year, our speaker was woman who studied women within the state prison system who were there because they had killed their abusive spouses. She said across the board the inmate-women told her that no one ever warned them they would some day kill the bastard and then end up in prison. Counselors warned them about protecting themselves – advice they often ignored. Counselors urged them to get out, to seek safety but no one ever said – You know one of these days your going to shoot the bastard, then what? The women all said those are the words they needed to hear from us as couselors, as friends, as associates. Make a difference today.
Jolie
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CR says:
Here you go. No matter what a bastard he is. No matter what your religous upbringing. No matter what your problem is- there’s almost ( I said almost) no excuse for murder.
They did not have a “perfect marriage’ -clearly. And this lady who killed her husband is mentally unsound. It awful for the children. It’s a mess. if she has some sort of reason for killing him- it better be a damn good one. That he was a pain in tha ass is not good enough. -
flawedplan says:
And I thought we were advocating murder.
CR, what are you, a conversation killer?
Don’t misrepresent what’s being said. And
if there’s a specific post that inspired
yours, why not talk to that, rather than
the puritan in your head? -
Margaret says:
The fundamentalist women mentioned here know something is wrong and they lack the language that those of us who’ve been exposed to feminism are able to use to describe our situations. Language makes a huge difference in what we are able to express. The fundamentalist culture keeps them apart from feminist discourse. I do not think these women are stupid.
It would be interesting to discuss with them: Katherine Bushnell, a Christian scholar in the 1920′s who learned Greek and Hebrew in order to see what the Bible really said and – then took issue with the misogynists who translated it in such a way as to disempowerfemales. Furthermore, she describes wifely submission of the sort that fundamentalist women are taught – as *idolatry* – a deadly sin. Katherine Bushnell rocks!!!
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Kevin Hayden says:
We Baptists believe that Pastor Winkler was spun up a bit too tightly, was probably diddling the children, and the evidence will show that she had every reason to pop a cap in his ass.
Look at the two girls in front wearing identical burkas. And the one beneath the baby doesn’t wear the trademark Winkler smile.
And shame on the prosecution if this is the case. Though I’m opposed to capital punishment – cold blood killing – the hotblooded kind that responds in defense of defenseless innocents is as justified a homicide as can possibly exist.
Speculation, of course,is too premature to qualify as justice. Whether Stepfordilia or pedophilia advanced his extinction date is still the great unknown. Maybe she’s part of that there Al Qaida group and is months away from building some nukes.
Of course, if my last name was Winkler and I had to live in Selmer, I’d find it hard to repress my rage, too.
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Reclusive Leftist » Blog Archive » The AP Reporter and the Elephant says:
[...] Kevin Hayden: We……posted to The Fury of the Preacher’s Wife: my only question is what took her so long at 4:14 am EST on April 2, 2006 [...]
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Jamie McCarthy says:
In her statement to police, Winkler said she and her husband had been married 10 years and had been having problems for the “past year, year and a half.”
She told police she had an “uneasy feeling” after she put her children to bed March 21 and her husband “started ranting about problems he was having and personal feelings about the church administration.”
She said he fell asleep and awoke the next morning when the alarm went off at about 6:45 a.m. From that point, her description of events resembles an out-of-body experience:
“I don’t remember going to the closet and getting the gun,” she told police. “The next thing I remember is hearing a loud boom,” she said, adding that it wasn’t as loud as she “thought it would be.” Her husband rolled from the bed to the floor, she said.
“I saw some blood on the floor and some bleeding around his mouth. I went over and wiped his mouth off with a sheet,” she said, according to the police report. Then, she said, “I went and ran.”
“I was scared and sad and I wanted to get out of the house,” she told police. She said she grabbed the children, but took no luggage, except for “an extra pair of socks for the baby.”
She said she drove to the beach because she knew she would only have a little time to spend with her daughters — Patricia, 8, Mary Alice, 6, and Breanna, 1.
Later, Winkler acknowledged her husband had been upset with her the previous evening because her “bad bookkeeping.”
She said the couple was having financial trouble “and most of it was my fault.” She said she had received a call from her bank that day.
She told police her husband “had been really on me lately. He criticized me for things, the way I walked, what I eat — everything.” She said, “I was tired of it. I guess I just got to a point and snapped.”
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BeatonDad says:
Actually, alleged abuse or abuse, is a leading excuse or reason for divorce in Family matters. It is also a very malicious form of alienation. So ” Perfect Mother Mary ” was actually abusing her children. She was also making off with the Families assets, without a valid reason. A marriage is an actual contract betwwen a Man and a Women, it certainly seems that Mary wasn’t upholding her end of the deal. Stealing money from the children and telling lies to them about their Father seems like a very Femi-Nazi type activity to me. If she couldn’t get along with her husband she should have packed her bags and joined up with the rest of the WALRUSES down at the local WOMEN’S SHELTER. There she certainly would have found someone to give a licking.
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Violet says:
Is that supposed to be troll performance art?
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stormcloud says:
(Troll performance art, it must be!)
In viewing this from the religious perspective, Mrs Winkler did exactly the right thing by her husband.
To divorce him would have brought him shame or embarrassment, but to shoot the smile off his smug entitled face, that’s just a case of expediting his Maker-meeting, enabling him to get a good Godboy seat next to the No.1 dude in the sky.
But seriously, years of emotional and psychological abuse is still a form of domestic violence. 10 years of provocation in my book.
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simply wondered says:
But seriously, years of emotional and psychological abuse is still a form of domestic violence. 10 years of provocation in my book.
i’m with stormy and against CR (but we already knew that) – i wouldn’t justify murder but i know i can understand it if someone has had their life stolen.
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Kaitlyn says:
I agree.
I know this is late, but I just discovered your great blog.
I live in Memphis, I remember watching this story unfold. We were so worried about the kids.
My mom thought the wife had killed the husband from the very first day – Selmer’s in the middle of nowhere, and you’re a preacher’s wife?
My parents had a ‘perfect’ marriage out in public, but there was no love there. And no religion, though my dad told our neighbors that my mom was a religious fanatic – that’s why we stayed at home all the time, and always wore dresses.
She didn’t kill him, she didn’t even bitchslap him, which I’m still tempted to do from time to time.
No, she kicked him out in 1998 – after he left the military, we’d bought a house, she had a job, she had friends, and her brother had moved to the area. If those things weren’t in place, she may have snapped and done what Mary Winkler did. Or she may have walked out. Or just submitted to him even longer than she did.
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Violet says:
Thank you, Kaitlyn, and welcome to the blog.
This conversation reminds me of the book by Sharyn McCrumb, If I’d Killed Him When I Met Him I’d Be Out Of Jail By Now.
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Sara says:
I was so curious about the submission websites that I went in search of them. I plan to start many flame wars.
The feminist mindset tries to teach women that somehow men have an unfair liberty that women do not have. They erringly believe that men have no one to answer to. Yet the working man has a supervisor, a policeman, a president, a government and a multitude of other authorities to answer to. A religious man has to answer to the authorities of the Church. A Bishop answers to a synod of other Bishops. Pretty much every one answers to someone.
There were many times I envied my wife when she was a housewife. I envied that she did not have to answer to my supervisor. It seemed unfair.
Ah, where to begin…?
