Make love, not war!
This is all wrong! P.Z. Myers is declaring War on Easter, following Echidne’s suggestion that we non-Christians follow up our smashingly successful War on Christmas with a spring encore. To which I say: no, no, a thousand times, no. Easter is the most gloriously pagan of holidays. It’s a spring fertility festival, for Chrissake! It’s flowers and bunnies and eggs! Look, just unhorse the Christian crap and you’ve got yourself one hell of a fine holiday.
My immediate family is not remotely Christian, but we love Easter. This was our Easter table a couple of years ago, when we went all out for a combined Easter/family birthday party:
I baked a chocolate cake in the shape of a bunny, frosted it with coconut, and made the eyes and nose out of jellybeans. I used a special egg pan from Germany to bake egg-shaped cakes, which I filled with jam and decorated to look like painted easter eggs. The bunny and eggs were arranged on a bed of green-tinted coconut “grass.” (And I swear to God on a stack of white leather red-letter edition Easter Sunday bibles, the bow on that bunny was not this shocking pink. It was a very pleasing shade.)
Each person’s place setting featured a silver basket with jelly beans, a chocolate bunny, and an egg painted with the person’s name. The table was set with fresh flowers and egg-shaped candles.
See? My family is living proof that you can hate Jesus, but still love Easter.
44 Responses to “Make love, not war!”
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Dr Marco says:
I agree with you 99%. The only thing I would appreciate understanding better is that the word “pagan” is a word used by Christians to ridicule the set of beliefs and rituals of the Classical Era. It means “rural”. In those times living in the city was “superior” to living in the fields. I would prefer the use of “classical”, “hellenic”, or “greco-roman” to describe the culture of the past and not to use “pagan” because then, we continue a Christian tradition
March 24th, 2006 at 7:07 am EST -
will says:
Wow VS, that is so….so……so girly.
All this time, I thought you were just a guy playing a feminist.
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Steve says:
A couple things:
There is something about Easter, Eggs, chocolate, egg hunts, etc. I have never forgotten the weird fact that my orthodox Jewish grandfather’s favorite holiday was Easter. On Easter we grandkids got chocolate, got baskets, hunted for eggs, and went to a pretty eloaborate Easter parade in Southern California.
Now I know that at the same time of the year, the egg is a pretty central symbol at Passover. But the guy absolutely loved Easter.
Second is a question for Vi: (And by the way if you think I would risk the loss of my genitalia by calling you Violent, think again.) The question has to do with hating Jesus.
Did your family really hate Jesus? Or did you hate the behavior of those who have done all sorts of cockamamie and cruel things in his name? I don’t want to put words in your mouth, Vi. The last guy who tried that still has a sore crotch)
But did you hate Jesus?
P.S. I am not a Christian.
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sage says:
I love this! I think rituals are so important, and if we don’t like the ones being shoved down our throats, we should definitely cultivate our own.
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Jim Deeny says:
Alwight you waskely wabbit! Come out befoe I blow you owt!
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Vinnie Vespisti says:
The Vinster thinks that feminists celebrating a spring fertility festival is oxymoronic.
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Burrow says:
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BUNNIESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
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Violet says:
Did your family really hate Jesus?
Of course not. It was just a cheap joke.
Wow VS, that is so….so……so girly.
I know, shocking. Well, don’t think my table looks like that all the time. It was a special occasion and we decided to make it super-duper Eastery.
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will says:
You regularly wear pink hair bows, don’t you?!!
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Violet says:
Boots and black jeans are more my style. I despise ruffles and bows and never wear pink. I’m feminine, but not that kind of feminine.
But this table was for Easter!!!
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will says:
pointy toes or rounded toe?
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Violet says:
Rounded toe.
It’s a funny thing about online personas. I met my old boyfriend the math professor online; we corresponded for quite a while before we decided to meet. When we met for lunch the first time I was wearing a blue silk dress and earrings, whatever. This shocked him. He later told me that he was expecting someone in a green eyeshade who chewed tobacco. He couldn’t get over what a girl I was.
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will says:
I don’t have a visual on you at all. Not at all. (Other than the hairy pits)
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Violet says:
Steve, more on how I don’t hate Jesus:
My only real feeling about Jesus the person is compassion. He died a horrible death. Crucifixion was a ghastly way to die, and I shudder for the thousands who met their end that way.
As for Jesus’s teachings, his full message is unrecoverable at this point. Of course there are hypothetical reconstructions of varying degrees of persuasiveness.
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Flavius Josephus says:
The message is not unrecoverable at all. It was a message to the Jews to stop revolting against Roman rule and it was not taken very well by the Jewish establishment.
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gordo says:
Violent–
Your War on Easter link is busted! I wanted to enlist!
Have you been taking HTML lessons from Chris Clarke?
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Alon Levy says:
I would prefer the use of “classical”, “hellenic”, or “greco-roman” to describe the culture of the past and not to use “pagan” because then, we continue a Christian tradition
What is it, an atheist analog of radical feminism?
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Violet says:
I’m sorry, Gordo. I fucked up. That’s what I get for blogging while drunk. It’s fixed now.
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Violet says:
Hey, Josephus! Dude, I’ve always wanted to meet you. So tell me, what really went down in the Galilee the winter of 66/67?
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Alon Levy says:
He escaped from the hideout and surrendered to the Romans; in order to curry favor with them, he told tall tales of how he was supposed to commit suicide but surrendered instead, knowing that everyone else in the hideout would’ve been dead by then.
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Alon Levy says:
At least that’s my crackpot theory, I should add.
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Violet says:
And maybe he lived on into old age and managed a similar escape from Masada. Kind of a serial suicide-dodger.
Damn! I think I’ve got a book! (you don’t want credit, do you, Alon?)
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Flavius Josephus says:
Miss Violet, you have been listening to the ghost of that lying old bastard Simon ben Gamaliel as regards the ridiculous multi-directional battles in Galilee in those years. Read the truth about me in “Josephus: the Historian and His Society” by Tessa Rajak. I am the sole validation of the existance of Jesus. Did I make Him up completely? No. Did He exist as the Bible portrays Him? No.
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Pastor Pistle says:
You sick old Jew! Get a life. Learn to spell. I hope it is warm enough where you are!
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Flavius Josephus says:
Alon, I didn’t ‘escape’. I was captured in a bloody fight. But my value was obvious, so I was er…..enlisted….as a….general. Well, initially as an advisor.
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Flavius Josephus says:
And put a gauntlet in it Pistle! You name is bandied about quite regularly down here! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Violet says:
God, this is weird. I just came back to this thread and realized that I’d completely imagined something Alon didn’t say. How the fuck did that happen? So here Alon comments on the Josephan suicide story, and I see that comment in my e-mail, but by the time I get around to commenting myself, somehow in my mind it’s been transformed into Alon saying that that’s what Jesus did — escaped a suicide pact like Josephus. (Hence my remark about his being an old man who escaped from Masada…)
God almighty, I’m hallucinating people’s comments now.
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Violet says:
That, or Alon is sending sinister psychic waves to pay me back for scheduling the absinthe parties when he’s asleep.
Don’t do it, Alon! Let me be! I beg you!
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Pastor Pistle says:
It is the abSINthe. I told you there were consequences for cavorting with the Devil, but you went right ahead and drank Beelzebub’s Wormwood extract! Your soul has probably slid halfway out and is hanging on by a thread. I shall pray for you and banish SATAN! In fact, I shall perform an exorcism. In the Baptist Church we have the only 100% PROVEN exorcism (the details of which I cannot divulge), but in general, here are the steps:
http://www.themystica.com/myst.....rcism.html
Obviously, we do not use a crucifix, which is the last thing JESUS wants to see when He is called to cast out a demon or cure a disease.
Normally one must place a call to our Holy Oath 900 number so the assistant exorcist can get the details and authorize the billing, but I will save you this night just to demonstrate the Power of God!
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Violet says:
Well, you better get on with the exorcism, because I think I need it. Either I’m possessed by a demon or Alon is subjecting me to psychic rays — those are the only two possibilities. (Of course, it probably would have helped if I had actually read all the words in Alon’s comment instead of giving it the Evelyn Wood treatment, but that in no way negates either the demon possession or psychic ray theory).
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Alon Levy says:
That, or Alon is sending sinister psychic waves to pay me back for scheduling the absinthe parties when he’s asleep.
Shit, I got caught.
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Violet says:
Alon said shit! YES!!! The reverse psychic waves are working!
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Alon Levy says:
Noooooooo! I swear to you, Violet, that I’ll get you for this!
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Pastor Pistle says:
OK, take a drink of this….er….holy water…and hold on to something. This can get messy.
Ready? Ok….”SHOO DEMON!”
.
…
…..
Did it work?
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Vinnie Vespisti says:
You old fake! That wasn’t a REAL exorcism. Where’s the pea soup? Where’s the cussing? Where’s Linda Blair? (She turned into quite a looker!) And that probably isn’t even holy water. Is that the kind of exorcism you do in your bonkers church?
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Pastor Pistle says:
May God Damn you to HELL, you Italian gonzo! That’s the free version, what’s wrong with it?
I throw Psalm 35 upon you!
1 Plead my cause, O LORD, with them that strive with me: fight against them that fight against me.
2 Take hold of shield and buckler, and stand up for mine help.
3 Draw out also the spear, and stop the way against them that persecute me: say unto my soul, I am thy salvation.
4 Let them be confounded and put to shame that seek after my soul: let them be turned back and brought to confusion that devise my hurt.
5 Let them be as chaff before the wind: and let the angel of the LORD chase them.
6 Let their way be dark and slippery: and let the angel of the LORD persecute them.
7 For without cause have they hid for me their net in a pit, which without cause they have digged for my soul.
8 Let destruction come upon him at unawares; and let his net that he hath hid catch himself: into that very destruction let him fall.
9 And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD: it shall rejoice in his salvation.
10 All my bones shall say, LORD, who is like unto thee, which deliverest the poor from him that is too strong for him, yea, the poor and the needy from him that spoileth him?
11 False witnesses did rise up; they laid to my charge things that I knew not.
12 They rewarded me evil for good to the spoiling of my soul.
13 But as for me, when they were sick, my clothing was sackcloth: I humbled my soul with fasting; and my prayer returned into mine own bosom.
14 I behaved myself as though he had been my friend or brother: I bowed down heavily, as one that mourneth for his mother.
15 But in mine adversity they rejoiced, and gathered themselves together: yea, the abjects gathered themselves together against me, and I knew it not; they did tear me, and ceased not:
16 With hypocritical mockers in feasts, they gnashed upon me with their teeth.
17 Lord, how long wilt thou look on? rescue my soul from their destructions, my darling from the lions.
18 I will give thee thanks in the great congregation: I will praise thee among much people.
19 Let not them that are mine enemies wrongfully rejoice over me: neither let them wink with the eye that hate me without a cause.
20 For they speak not peace: but they devise deceitful matters against them that are quiet in the land.
21 Yea, they opened their mouth wide against me, and said, Aha, aha, our eye hath seen it.
22 This thou hast seen, O LORD: keep not silence: O Lord, be not far from me.
23 Stir up thyself, and awake to my judgment, even unto my cause, my God and my Lord.
24 Judge me, O LORD my God, according to thy righteousness; and let them not rejoice over me.
25 Let them not say in their hearts, Ah, so would we have it: let them not say, We have swallowed him up.
26 Let them be ashamed and brought to confusion together that rejoice at mine hurt: let them be clothed with shame and dishonour that magnify themselves against me.
27 Let them shout for joy, and be glad, that favour my righteous cause: yea, let them say continually, Let the LORD be magnified, which hath pleasure in the prosperity of his servant.
28 And my tongue shall speak of thy righteousness and of thy praise all the day long.
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Violet says:
Pastor, all that happened was that I burped. Was that the demon coming out of me?
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Pastor Pistle says:
Child, your soul is now safe once more!
Er….except that no one is really certain women HAVE souls. The Bible doesn’t explain how they are handed out. And, according to Revelation 14:1-4, Only 144,000 celibate men will be saved. (Those who were not “defiled with women.”)
So it is a conundrum for those without enough faith. If that were correct, why bother with females at all?
But I am of the faithful and understand that this passage is simply a trap for those who GOD wishes to fool.
Regardless, the exorcism worked and your appreciation, in the form of a substantial monetary love offering, will be gratefully accepted at LandoverBaptist.net.
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gordo says:
Pastor–
Is it really appropriate to ask for a donation in return for the “free” version of the exorcism?
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Pastor Pistle says:
Gordo, it is shocking to me that you would have Dr. Socks fail to thank the TRUE CHRISTIAN(TM) church for saving her soul. I performed the exorcism gratis and she burped up the demon on schedule, thus demonstrating the power and majesty of GOD’S word. Admittedly, the free version is not God’s LITERAL word. We must save the long version for paying customers.
Fortunately it wasn’t in her colon (where most demons reside) or it’s departure would have been more aurally pronounced and bubbly, but it is only appropriate that Dr. Socks be generous when the offering plate comes by.
Still, demons jump from from one live vector to another, so a concern exists about who or what Dr. Socks’ ex-demon now inhabits. If we are lucky, it accidentally flew into an empty absinthe bottle and is trapped there.
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Violet says:
It’s in Alon.
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Alon Levy says:
I won’t ever again pretend to drink empty absinthe bottles.
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John Smith says:
The only true working excorcism is the “Rituem Romanam” (the Catholic excorcism) or by use of true Holy Water and Scriptures. No joking around.
Baptist Church, right…maybe someone from the Baptist Church can do it, but you have to be a strong believer in order to even be an assistant.
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John Smith says:
By the way, Paganism was around way long before Jesus made his appearance into this world.
The Druids used it around 2500B.C. Who said Jesus founded the name Pagans? Man, were they so way off. LOL
