Bush: Iraq Was Such A Huge Success We’re Going To Do It Again
Yesterday Torture President announced that we’re going to keep right on shooting first and asking questions later, since that turned out to be such a fabulously winning strategy in Iraq. He even offered up a list of some of the countries we might whack if they don’t straighten up and fly right. No surprise, really, since Lord Rumsfeld prepared the ground a few weeks ago with his Doctrine of War Without End.
Iran is Future Invadee #1, of course, but the rest of the list of Very Bad Potentially Whackable Countries is interesting:
North Korea (yep, we knew that), Syria (saw that one coming), Cuba (um…aren’t they kind of down and out? I mean, it’s not like they pose a threat…), Myanmar (what?), Belarus (we’re worried about Belarus now?), and Zimbabwe (okay, hold the fucking phone).
Torture President says these are all prime examples of “despotic systems.” Well, yes, they are despotic — but why these particular countries? There are lots of countries with tyrannical governments and horrific human rights violations. What about Uzbekistan? Equatorial Guinea? Saudi Arabia? China?
Turns out there are very complex hermeneutics involved in determining which countries are truly “despotic” and potentially worthy of future preemptive whacking by the U.S. It’s not enough for a country to have an oppressive political system. Many other factors come into play, as you can see in this top-secret State Department flowchart I obtained from my top secret State Department flowchart source:
PDF version, if that’s easier to see
24 Responses to “Bush: Iraq Was Such A Huge Success We’re Going To Do It Again”
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txfeminist says:
this flowchart is genius. positively genius. Socks Rocks, as usual.
March 17th, 2006 at 11:04 am EST -
Charlie says:
This is brilliant.
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appletree » Blog Archive » Dr. Socks Steals Secret Government Flow Chart says:
[...] The document that Dr. Socks used her womanly wiles to acquire is a flow chart that the government uses to determine which nations are despotic, and which aren’t. See the flow chart here. I only pray that Dr. Socks was not forced to sleep with former Bush policy advisor Richard Perle in order to acquire this document. [...]
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gordo says:
The flow chart is amazing. I do have one quibble, though.
Looking at our oil policy, it seems to me that it’s not about whether we can get oil by “being nice,” but whether American oil companies are given a slice of the profits.
We could buy Iranian oil, for example. We already buy Venezuelan oil. But we’re hostile to those countries and accuse them of despotism (justifiably, in the case of Iran) because they don’t allow Chevron and Exxon to invest in and profit from their oil fields.
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Al E Pistle says:
You damn commies! Next you will be flowcharting the BIBLE to find the most direct route to HELL! By that totally inaccurate flowchart, one could determine that the the GREAT USA was a despotic country. I demand that you remove all unpatriotic rants about GODLY GW Bush immediately! Why he was appointed by JESUS to bring this country out of the morass of free thought into which it has fallen since the feminists took over with their girl-on-girl thespianism. We are appealing to the Supreme court that in view of the totally appropriate abortion ruling in South Dakota, that all pregnant women be chained to their beds (or to the stove) until they give birth so that they cannot go to some filthy coat-hanger abortionist. Remember that it is the child’s life that is important. We don’t care who feeds it. We don’t care who educates it. WE JUST WANT IT TO BE BORN! The fact the mother was herself born doesn’t count. She has to have it even if she dies in childbirth because it might be a boy, and thus another potential warrior for JESUS.
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Al E Pistle says:
Socks, I hate to toss a cockroach in your soup, but I am VERY well connected to the Department of Faith and we have the very latest intelligence that even the CIA doesn’t get. Now while we are foing to conmtinue to invade despotic countries, you were given the wrong list. First will be Canada for harboring cowardly American military deserters from the Vietnam era.
Then, either Venezuela or Mexico. We have taken enough sass from those greasers. Then we are going to invade Iraq again, but this time we are going to send the Diesel Dykes of feminism to make sure that no quarter is given.
Socks, the government is bound to provide what Americans want. And Americans want cheaper imported beer, dinner on the table, more sports on TV, Jessica Simpson in every bedroom, 29 cent premium leaded gas, a lifted 4×4 truck and a Harley in the garage. That’s why they are joining Landover Baptist in droves. Because for only 33% of their gross monthly income, that’s what we promise them in Heaven. And we have NEVER HAD A COMPLAINT!
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gordo says:
Pastor–
I love the idea of a flow chart to hell. I can barely type because I’m still laughing.
Also, I think it’s about time someone questioned YOUR feminist credentials.
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Al E Pistle says:
Thank GOD this day is over. Thousands of drunk Irish Catholics roaming the streets reeking of green beer and corned beef with cabbage. Their gaseous nocturnal emmissions on this one night alone are probably the major undiscovered cause of global warming.
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Alon Levy says:
Their gaseous nocturnal emmissions on this one night alone are probably the major undiscovered cause of global warming.
Global warming is a liberal myth. Don’t tell me you’re buying into it…
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Barbara says:
“we’re going to keep right on shooting first and asking questions later”
Geez, we don’t even ask questions!
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Alon Levy says:
Well, you will, after the shooting stops, whenever that may be.
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Violet says:
Looking at our oil policy, it seems to me that it’s not about whether we can get oil by “being nice,” but whether American oil companies are given a slice of the profits.
Indeed, Gordo, but what gave me pause (assuming for the moment that it was I and not the State Dept. who created the flowchart) was that Venezuela didn’t make it onto the hit list. I think they’re on the Naughty Countries list, but not the Seven Countries We Just Might Whack list. (Kind of surprising, given the run-up from Pat Robertson and all the nonsense about how Chavez is the anti-Christ.)
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Barbara says:
…”what gave me pause (assuming for the moment that it was I and not the State Dept. who created the flowchart) was that Venezuela didn’t make it onto the hit list.”
Although the US is currently conducting “operations” (surgical interventions without anesthesia??) in Latin America, most of our countrymen and countrywomen choose to remain blissfully unaware. However, putting Venezuela on the official “hit list” would be to suggest that one day our military personnel might actually be sent there (as opposed to now, when they’re only being covertly sent there). People would actually take notice of that (between episodes of Desperate Housewives and LA Law), and there would be a hue and cry (well, maybe a jibber and peep) about our going to fight on still another continent.
…Hence the call from the Right Rev. Robertson for assassination.
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Al E Pistle says:
To 13: We have covert missions going right now in EVERY country on EVERY continent. Most of them are out of control. Don’t tell anyone.
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Al E Pistle says:
13: Here is an example of one of our ‘surgical’ operations. http://www.gwu.edu/~nsarchiv/NSAEBB/NSAEBB5/
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Violet says:
Well, the Monroe Doctrine (which is in the Bible and therefore True) does explicitly state that we have the right to send covert operatives to any Latin American country and assassinate anybody we think needs to be assassinated down there. Some people think that the Monroe Doctrine doesn’t actually say that, and some people even think that it doesn’t matter what the Monroe Doctrine says because what the fuck gave Monroe or anybody else the right to call dibs on Latin America? But people like that are probably all commie atheist homos.
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gordo says:
Violent–
Ix-nay on the sassinations-ay. That part of the Monroe Doctrine is still classified, and we don’t want the anadians-Cay to find out about it.
The doctrine’s only been around for 183 years, so you’ve still got to keep your trap shut for another 317 years before full declassification kicks in.
By that time, we should have achieved orld-way omination-day, if the wrong people don’t discover our plan first.
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Violet says:
By the way, did anybody see that this weekend Chavez struck back by calling Bush a “drunkard,” a “coward,” and a “donkey” (Venezuelan idiom for “idiot”)? And this was in retaliation just for being listed as a problem country. Imagine what Chavez would have said if Venezuela had made it on to the top-seven Whack List.
Whatever Hugo’s faults, at least he’s got the cojones to tell the truth about Bush. Reminds me of the 2000 electoral cluster-fuck, when Fidel offered to send observers to help us count the vote.
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will says:
I do not know if I complimented you on your chart. It was excellent. Did you make it or steal it?
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Violet says:
Gordo’s theory (which he hinted at on his own blog) is that I obtained the flowchart in exchange for sleeping with Richard Perle. My own hazy memory is that I created it the other night in between shooting smack and flaming people for not being feminist enough. However, I’ve read extensively in the literature of crypto-memory and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and it’s my current belief that my smack-shooting “memory” is really a confabulation to replace the actual memory of fucking Perle.
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will says:
I would the memory would be easily lost among the vast file of memories of sex for personal gain.
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gordo says:
Violent–
Yes, I can see why a person would fabricate a memory about vomiting, soiling herself, and passing out with a needle in her arm to block out the painful recollection of sleeping with Richard Perle. I think you deserve a purple heart for jumping on that grenade.
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Jim Deeny says:
Pastor Pistle said “You damn commies! Next you will be flowcharting the BIBLE to find the most direct route to HELL!”
Pastor, follow me and I’ll show you.
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Pastor Pistle says:
Look out the window, Deeny! Those vans ain’t there to repair the cable. The Department of Faith is watching you!
