Plan 9 from Outer Wingnuttia
Oh, man. The Wingnut God really crossed the diamond with the pearl when he made this guy. No, not the guy in the picture — that’s Criswell! I’m referring to Andrew Longman, whose columns appear on RenewAmerica. He’s the Ed Wood of wingnuts: impassioned, incomprehensible, and unintentionally hilarious.
In a piece called “You Can’t Fight Islamism with Gay Cowboys,” Andrew explains how Hollywood is abetting the terrorists by making movies with gay people in them. There are two movies Andrew’s pissed about: “Brokeback Mountain,” of course, but also “End of the Spear,” in which a Christian missionary is played by an openly gay actor.
In the very first sentence, Andrew unveils the full glory of his writing style:
It is cognitively and nationally dissonant to propose on one hand the advancement of the homosexualization of your most identified national folk icon and simultaneously bluster with the impending force of a war to defend that same civilization.
Once you’re through diagramming that sentence, you’ll be ready for this one:
It is an article of pinnacle stupidity to discover that one of the greatest American Christian martyrs of a generation, Nate Saint, is being portrayed by a homosexual actor in a film intended to inspire Christendom to great acts of moral imitation.
I’m not sure what pinnacle stupidity is, but if Andrew thinks his discovery qualifies, who are we to disagree?
But enough of this syntactical nitpicking. Andrew has serious points to make.
Andrew expounds on film theory:
The purpose of art is to imitate nature. What precisely is inspirational about the story of Nate Saint if the very person who portrays him in the movie cannot be moved to imitate Mr. Saint? It reduces the entire thing to people pretending, not people being moved. It sends the message that you can look good and not be good. In short, it sends all the wrong advancements.
I agree – no film can be truly inspirational unless the actors involved give up their careers and actually try to become the people they played in the movie. If they don’t do that, then the whole movie is just people pretending, and that sends the wrong advancement.
Andrew goes on to demonstrate his keen understanding of how the film industry works:
The people who made this movie, the family, etc, should immediately remove it from circulation and sue the actor for fraud.
Andrew urges us to reverse, cleanse, and ground our failures, or possibly our examples:
These are examples of serious malaise and important failures. They must be reversed, cleansed, and placed once again on good solid grounding.
Andrew fearlessly identifies the real goal of those who make Hollywood films:
We have to recognize that those people are the enemies of civilization, the enemies of Christendom, the enemies of the United States of America. Sodomize the Marlboro Man to great music and call this heroism? They want to destroy the world.
Well, at least the music is good. Andrew goes on to explain the essence of our national identity…
We are the world’s most ideological of nations — indeed it is all we are.
…and the very root of our culture:
So, we choose this moment, when nuclear weapons are about to fall into the hands of people who hate us so much they will suicide bomb us, to release a spate of films accosting our own culture at its very root — it’s emotional and physical ability to sexually reproduce and defend offspring.
Did you know that in early drafts of the Declaration of Independence, Jefferson actually wrote “life, liberty, and the emotional ability to sexually defend offspring”? Surprising but true!
Speaking of history, Andrew’s clearly no slouch in that department:
Has it occurred to these craven fools in Hollywood that there are precisely no, exactly zero, cultures who have survived their own homosexualization? Zip, zero, nada?
I wonder if it’s occurred to Andrew that there are “precisely no, exactly zero” cultures that have survived heterosexuality? It’s a rarely noted fact, but all past civilizations had a very large proportion of heterosexuals.
But now Andrew gives away the game, and reveals what I’d been suspecting all along: He’s really General J.C. Christian:
Has it occurred to the great bulk of our people that we need to quit tolerating the forces of internal destruction which work night and day to deconstruct our manliness at a time when our nation faces an absolute need for valor, ferocity, the force of arms, and the defense of the innocent pregnant woman and her children at home? Has it occurred to anyone, anyone at all, that it is immoral to assault masculinity?
I think Andrew should have stopped right there. Always end on a high note, with the rhetoric a-ringing. Instead he goes on to some apocalyptic vision of the American people rising up to reject movies and anti-manliness. He wants it to be stirring, but gets into that whole undiagrammable sentence problem again:
There is a moving, a new eschatology of freedom moving in the heart of the American Revolutionary which will overcome all this.
And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future!
I am totally going back into the circus business and I’m gonna hire Andrew to write my scripts. This is gold, people.
8 Responses to “Plan 9 from Outer Wingnuttia”
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Jeff says:
The “article of pinnacle stupidity” is the column that Andrew wrote, of course. I sent him an email yesterday informing him of this fact, but have yet to receive a response. With IDiots like this running around unchecked, I sometimes wonder HOW man came to be the dominant species on this planet, and I’m scared as hell that we’re going to be knocked out of that position in the near future.
January 25th, 2006 at 4:14 pm EST -
manxome says:
Honestly, I think the man has a mental illness.
We had one like this, an old coot in his 80′s, who wrote to our paper all the time. No matter what the problem, the twisted illogic invariably concluded that the cause was always the length of female’s skirts. Always. Godlessness, crime, rudeness, you name it. It was all caused by women’s calves. One wondered just what one could find in the police files to cause him to heap the blame for just about everything on something he could not possibly do himself: bear his womanly legs.
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Violet Socks says:
Jeff, please let us know if Andrew responds!
manxome, that’s funny.
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will says:
Wait. Woman’s calves are not the cause of all evil?
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Txfeminist says:
Laughing so hard I’m crying. How can this guy be for real? Unfortunately, I realize he is, and that many are probably in agreement with him. (shiver)
He sounds like the gobbledegook that’s written on the Dr.Bronner’s Soap label.
I would love to see his response too.
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belledame222 says:
That is lovely, but for me, the Ed Wood (Amanda McKitrick Ros if you prefer) prize for Christian godbag prose still goes to this guy: G. Edwin Lint.
http://diskbooks.org/ivory.html
When Jim first heard Carla’s vulgar, obscene, and profane outburst, he had known the true cause. Carla Stetson was demon-possessed. This was no clinical reaction to grief and rage. This was no situational maladjustment. This was nothing which could be explained by Freudian or Rogerian pschobabble. This was demonic power in its crudest, rawest, and most savage form. Although Jim had counseled many victims of demon possession, without exception their symptoms had shown a suave, smooth, almost undetectable form of evil. But this evil was different. This evil was straight from Hell itself, undiluted by the conniving posturings of snide and sophisticated demons. This was the work of one or more demons of the very lowest order in the demonic hierarchy.
…
Dave landed flat on his brisket and had all the wind knocked out of him. But Tessa was none the worse for wear! In a split second she was on her feet and hopping up and down, beribboned pigtails flying.
“That was fun, Unca Dave! C’mon let’s do it again! C’mon, Unca Dave Let’s do it again! Let’s do it again!” Gone was the post-traumatic stress! Gone was the catatonic stupor! Gone were the orphan-Annie eyes and drooling month!
Tessa was back!
**
Oh, I could just quote and quote, but you really have to see for yourself. It’s a full-length novel about a girl (very Mary Sue) who starts a club for chastity. and something about a false accusation of child molestation, and demon possession, I believe. Also an even more over-the top one about the Rapture, and…well, he’s just a quirky guy.
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Jeff says:
VS, sorry, but I haven’t and don’t think that I am going to hear back from Andrew. And I was so hoping. I guess it just goes to show that no matter how much these imbeciles drool over having their clever turns of phrase quoted, they don’t really like having it quoted against them.
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Paul Tergeist says:
I have been keeping track of Andrew Longman because I want to employ him in the future to compose indecipherable grant requests for my medical experiments. I have actually had a sort of dialogue with him in which he kept making non-negotiable demands that I remove his emails to me followed by threats of legal action. I kept posting them, which generated another round of demands that I remove them. It finally sent him balmy and he wrote the article which got him fired. Naturally I tried to console him with offers of anti-psychotics, Lithium, electroshock therapy and whatnot, but he was in a snit by then.
